Why can’t strip clubs re-open?

As coronavirus swept over the UK & the rest of the world, many businesses including bars, pubs, theatres and clubs – including strip clubs – were forced to close. A few months’ later and pubs and bars have been allowed to re-open, but strip clubs remain shut with no clear indication of when strippers will be allowed to open our legs again!

Some of us got very excited when we found out live performances could happen on the 1st of August. I had a Burlesque performance booked for the following week which I was looking forward to, only for the government to do a U-turn the night before. Because they love giving us all lots of notice about big decisions.

I understand the hesitation around live performance that involves singing and talking, as this is higher risk for virus transmission, but why include dance performance in that bracket? Strip clubs could in theory re-open with stage shows only – you can dance onstage further away from someone than you can place drinks down at their table as a waiting person. It makes no sense that we can drink in a pub in close proximity to each other, but if I get up on a stage in the corner of the room, that’s suddenly illegal. 

Of course this would mean re-modelling their business model slightly. Most strip clubs have a system where the dancer pays a house fee to work at the club, and / or a percentage of their earnings. Strippers earn their money by persuading customers to have private dances with them. Sometimes we get tips onstage, but this is not the free-flowing money getting thrown at you the way it’s portrayed in Hustlers. We don’t get paid to be there. I repeat we don’t get paid to be there. 

This means that some days you can walk away with a shit ton of money, as the potential to earn can be high, but it also means that some days you can walk out with less money than you started with. These rules are a whole different issue but suffice to say if strip clubs could re-open at least with stage shows, then the clubs would have to pay dancers a wage to work and / or encourage much more tipping onstage. 

That’s stage shows covered, but what of lap dances? Human contact is an essential part of our mental health and many people have not been able touch, hug, or engage in sex with anyone during the last few months. Given that it is impossible to socially distance in a pub or a bar, why can’t we give lap dances to a limited number of customers?

Pubs are supposed to be taking your details and sitting you at least one metre apart but in my experience this is not happening consistently. People serving you are frequently not wearing masks, and social distancing is impossible. Our government has basically decided that some activities are worth the risk and some aren’t, and as usual sex work has been left behind. 

Lockdown forced many creative work online, and online shows have been successful. A group of us set up Cybertease – a cooperative strip club where we share all profits equally, as a way to earn money and showcase our feminist socialist stripping politics to the wider community. We’ve gained a large following and had some very positive press. But the amount of promo and work that goes into planning an event means we can only do them around every two weeks and the earning capacity is limited. We can only offer a few guest performer slots every show. Some strippers have set up Only Fans or similar accounts, which can earn you some money but with an oversaturated market, again it is not guaranteed and comes with other pitfalls.

It often involves promoting yourself on other social media platforms to gain followers, which some sex workers cannot do as they are not out to friends and families and are scared that future employers may discriminate against them because of it. 

Many strippers do not wish to perform online due to fears over people recording and distributing your content without consent. Of course you can wear masks and use other ways of disguising your identity as some sex workers do, but this is still a risk. Online work can be very fun and rewarding, but it is not without its problems. 

In terms of benefits and assistance from the goverment, some sex workers cannot claim universal credit if their savings are too high – even if these savings are to pay Uni tuition fees, and any strippers who earned even 1% more from PAYE work from 2016 – 2019 are exempt from self-employment grants. Lots of people are falling through the cracks. 

So when will strip clubs be back? 

Talk on the grapevine seems to be October or November, but it’s impossible to know what our government is going to decide next, and whether there will be another lockdown. For now strippers have to do other types of sex work if they can and / or apply for other forms of work in this limited job market. Hopefully one day soon we’ll be able to shake our tits in someone’s face from less than one metre away.

Sex work is work and we want to work.

The next Cybertease is Thursday 20th of August and is a kink-themed show, and you can subscribe to my Only Fans Page here.

Send an email to the government to ask about strip clubs re-opening here

Ode to the penis

I need to pee
Cystitis has reared its ugly head again
This is our punishment 
For heterosexual sex

My vibrator never gives me a UTI
Or thrush
Or makes me panic that I’m pregnant

Dicks are the devil
With balls as their delicate horns
Creating fire in our vaginas 
And our minds

The flaccid dick seems so innocent
Vulnerable – soft and sensitive 
Until the blood flows
And the shaft grows

The transformation from a fat little worm 
To a demanding patriarch
Urging us to caress it 
With our mouths and vulvas

My usual dick belongs to a decent man 
For once
I’m happy to declare
So I’ll keep on doing this heterosexual dance
As long as we keep on being compatible 
This poem is over
I’m off to buy some cranberry pills 


10 Fun Things To Learn How To Do

One of the main problems I have in life is that I like too many things. I want to get better at German, while learning to play the piano, going to aerial hoop classes, and roller-skating backwards. I find it hard to focus, which means I try everything, and never really get good at anything. (Feel free to disagree with me).

I’m still figuring out how to balance all my vocations / hobbies, but what I thought would be really fun this year is to just pick 10 fun random skills I want to learn, to challenge myself, but mainly to impress people at parties. Then I will blog about how they went and if I managed to achieve them (or not).

Here is the list:

  1. Blow bubblegum
  2. Do a handstand
  3. Do the splits
  4. Do a kip-up / kick-up the way Buffy does
  5. Purr
  6. Whistle with two fingers
  7. Raise my right eyebrow independently of the left one (which I can already do on its own)
  8. Open a bottle of beer with a lighter
  9. Do the superman move on the pole
  10. Dive into a swimming pool

I know some people will look at this list and think ‘How can you not know how to dive into a pool?’, ‘What, you didn’t learn how to blow bubble-gum at school?!’ And to them I say, you know we’ve all got different skills, some people can’t cook rice, or roll a cigarette, or bleed a radiator, or sew a button, and I can do all those things. But seriously, no one ever taught me how to do it properly, and I’m too scared to break my neck. As for the bubble-gum, I was just way too busy blowing other things. #AmIRight #SorryNotSorry

Anyway, I’m looking forward to where this list takes me, and writing the follow up blog telling you all about what happened…


My First Orgasm

It was the spring of 2008, I was on the phone to my boyfriend at the time, we were having phone sex, and I was using my bullet vibrator. He was talking dirty to me about all the kinky things he was going to do to me, and suddenly all this liquid came out of me. It was intense and unexpected. And that was my first orgasm.

Or so I thought. 

As a teenager, I felt completely disconnected from my genitals. I never accidentally felt anything good down there, I never felt the urge to do anything. I only started masturbating because I’d heard it was something people did. And even then all I did was put my finger inside for a few minutes, and wonder what all the fuss was about. My friend did buy me a vibrator for my 17th birthday, however it was one of those basic bitch ones. Hard, plastic, and weak. basic bitch vibe

When I had sexual experiences, I never really got wet, or felt anything close to what know arousal is now.  An ex once told me I had a ‘cold uninviting vagina’, which is not exactly great feedback. I might even be mentally turned on, but it wouldn’t transpose physically. Having my clit touched, or having penetrative sex mostly didn’t feel that good, and I couldn’t imagine it resulting in an orgasm. Oral sex either felt too ticklish, or so lame that I could fall asleep during.

But I was obsessed with sex. Or at least the idea of sex. I have a dirty sense of humour, and have always been curious about sex. Perhaps because I was always looking for something I felt like I was missing out on. I’ve now come to realise it’s mostly not actual sex that I enjoy. (I much prefer kink, but for once, this is not a kinky sex blog post).

So for the next 10 years I just thought I was a prolific squirter, and that when that happened I was having an orgasm, but it turns out this whole time I was just pissing myself. (It also turns out I might be into that – but that’s more of a separate thing).

The orgasm

I did always wonder in the back of my mind whether I was actually orgasming or not. I obviously knew that it can take a while for women to cum, but I assumed that I was cumming so quickly because those little bullet vibrators are quite powerful. Of course the men that I ‘came’ in front of didn’t notice that I wasn’t actually orgasming. But to be fair to them, quite a few women didn’t either.  

As an advocate of not faking orgasms, and someone who has in the past proclaimed never to have faked an orgasm, it’s kind of funny that all this time I was faking them, but I was also faking them to myself. So I’ll take this opportunity to change that proclamation to ‘I’ve never knowingly faked one.’

‘Squirting’ does feel good in a way. It’s a release. I had some times where it felt so intense my legs would shake. But it’s not an orgasm.

So when and how did I actually have my first orgasm? It was April 2018, and I was particularly turned on. I was thinking about the guy from previous much loved figging post, (people loved the post; I didn’t love him), and suddenly something different happened. I remember feeling pleasure in a way I had never felt before. I finally had the tingling, and contractions. It still didn’t really click initially that it was my actual first orgasm. I just thought it was a better orgasm than usual.

But something had changed. I suddenly felt the desire to masturbate more frequently. Sometimes it would take ages, 40 minutes – 1 hour to make myself cum. But as I’ve practiced, I can do it in less time now. I still find it difficult to do in front of someone else, as it can be distracting, and I need to be in a very specific position on my back. I did manage it once a few months’ ago, while someone else was there, but am trying to practice so it can be something I can enjoy regularly with a sexual partner.

Squirting vs Female Ejaculation

When I first started orgasming, I would still squirt sometimes before or during orgasm, but as I’ve done it more and more, and I know that’s not what I am aiming for now, I can orgasm without squirting at all. But I do ejaculate, which involves a liquid more similar in consistency to male cum, kind of sticky and viscous. There’s much less of it, but it can still be enough to make a bit of a sexy mess. 

There’s been a lot of discussion about squirting, and there seems to be some confusion. I’ve read so many articles, and heard women say anecdotally that a large volume of liquid comes out, but they insist it is not pee, however this article says that “Women who squirt urine only during orgasm usually don’t identify it as urine because it is far more dilute and doesn’t smell or look like urine even though it comes out of the bladder”.

Annoyingly, the article doesn’t offer any explanation as to why it is more dilute – perhaps it is because the muscles have been stimulated in a different way? But based on my own past experience, I agree that it is usually a bit less urine-y* than normal urine.

*real scientific term though

And so this brings me to the famous French study about 5 years’ ago where 7 women were studied and it was found that all of them were squirting urine. 2 of the 5 were also releasing fluid recognised as prostate-specific antigen, i.e. female ejaculate.

I didn’t pay to read the study in full, so I’ve only read the summary and articles about it like this one. In none of the summarising articles does it say where exactly they were collecting from – whether it was just general fluid from the genital area, or whether there were instruments targeted to collect from the urethra and the vagina. I certainly don’t buy this crap from Medical News Today, about ejaculate fluid flowing back into the bladder. 

Regardless, the study does prove at least for these women, and therefore potentially for other women, that even if the liquid doesn’t appear to be urine, it is. This piece also explains the prevalence of incontinence during sexual activity.

The scientific evidence does tend to suggest that squirting is coital incontinence, and it makes sense. I’ve been plagued by urinary tract infections since I started having penetrative sex, and subsequent frequent urge to urinate generally. I heard somewhere recently that even just having a UTI once can damage your bladder /  urethra / whole system down there. And that explains why it was so easy to accidentally pee when my vibrator was stimulating my clit, since everything is so close together on a woman’s anatomy. 

I’m now thinking about all the articles I’ve read saying that when stimulating your g-spot, you will feel like you need to pee, but you just need to push past that. I now think that is because your bladder is being stimulated as well. And if you push past it, you will probably pee.

I’m surprised that Love Honey don’t seem to know the difference, and Sh! Womenstore – a female focused sex shop that I love, are teaching a workshop on it. I might go along just to ask questions about why it’s okay to teach women not to be able to control their bladders.

Perhaps squirting is some big conspiracy by Tena lady to ensure we are all incontinent by the age of 50, and therefore need to keep buying their products.

I used to proudly tell people that I was a ‘squirter’ but now I can proudly say that I’m an ex-squirter, and I’m now leading the crusade of the anti-squirting movement. It’s not some badge of honour to be able to say that you made a woman squirt – it just means you managed to stimulate her bladder / urethra in some way, and she couldn’t control it.

I know some women will read this article and think I’m orgasmsplaining, but I am here to tell you once and for all that squirting and female ejaculation are different things. And I don’t want to orgasm shame anyone, if you truly enjoy squirting, and you want to keep doing it, go for it. But know that it is pee, could be a sign that you have some incontinence, and that you can train your muscles not to do it.

If you don’t believe me, try orgasming without it happening by holding off when you get the urge to squirt, clenching your pelvic floor muscles, then re-stimulating yourself. You may even find it useful to take a pee break halfway through sexual activity. You will still probably orgasm, but without completely soaking the sheets.

In conclusion:

Squirting – involuntary urination before or during or after orgasm – clear / sometimes slightly yellow liquid from the urethra

Female Ejaculation – viscous, sticky, sort of milky, sort of clear liquid from the skene’s gland, and comes out of the vagina at the point of orgasm

Squirting and Porn

Men LOVE watching women ‘squirt’ in porn. There are so many videos of it. But the long list of acts that supposedly got banned from any paid porn sites in Britain a few years ago, includes the phrasing ‘female ejaculation’, because it’s too difficult to tell whether or not it is pee (urolagnia is also banned), and of course the people who make these laws don’t know the difference between squirting and actual female ejaculation. And don’t know that by phrasing it in that way, they are also technically banning seeing any sort of fluid come out of a woman’s vagina at the point of orgasm. Which basically means banning the female orgasm for some women. As if we needed more reasons to not see real female orgasms in porn. In light of this, I am happy to give sex education lessons to the BBFC, so if anyone knows people who work there, please feel free to link them to this blog.

A note on the G-spot

What is the g-spot? Does it even exist? When will people stop asking stupid questions about it?

It seems obvious to me that the g-spot is just an extension of the clitoris (but it’s also close to the bladder, so that may be stimulated along the way, as discussed earlier). Everyone’s bodies are slightly different – some people may be able to orgasm from inside / vaginal stimulation, and some may not. Most studies seem to cite that only 25% of women can orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone.

Either way, the clitoris is always inherently involved, whether you are having a g-spot orgasm, a nipplegasm, or even a magic orgasm with your mind that doesn’t involve any touching. It’s because all our nerves are linked together. All roads lead to the clitoris. There just might be more particular roads to inside your vagina, hence having a sensitive g-spot.

I think it’s interesting that there is never this much confusion or mystery when it comes to men’s bodies. If men were involuntarily releasing pee before or at the point of orgasm, there’s no way men’s magazines would be giving them tips on how to keep doing it. (Luckily for you guys, unless you have had your prostate removed, it’s basically physically impossible for your muscles to make that happen).

In the same vein, we know that men have a g-spot in their anus in the form of the prostate gland. Given how many men want to give anal sex but not receive it, it’s a damn shame women don’t have basically a mini clit in our arseholes too. (Yes a small amount of women can have analgasms, because all roads lead to the clitoris, but this is not the general consensus).

Orgasmic tips

If you are reading this, and you have never had an orgasm, and you want to have one, here is what you should do:

  1. Get a bullet vibrator. 
  2. Put aside a lot of time alone. Be patient and spend longer than you think you need to.
  3. Fantasise or watch something that truly turns you on. I personally find porn a massive turn off, so don’t worry if you can’t find any that you like, that’s what your imagination is for. Or try reading erotica.
  4. Vary pressure and speed until you find what works for you.
  5. Use your kegel muscles.
  6. Breathe.
  7. If this doesn’t work, invest in the womanizer

I wish I’d known about the womanizer ages ago. It’s not strictly a vibrator – it provides a sucking and pulsating motion, and is supposed to simulate the best oral sex ever. I have the womanizer pro. Yes it’s £139, but it is incredible. People pay more for less satisfying sexual experiences. It can take a bit of practice getting the right angle and getting in position, and since you put it directly onto your clit, it can be very intense, and actually quite painful. This article about it and similar toys is a fun read, if only for the title. Unsurprisingly I quite like the pain, but also I think your clit does adjust to it after a while. Often the build up feels absolutely amazing in a way that it just doesn’t with the bullet vibe. Sometimes I like to use the bullet for a bit then switch to the womanizer at the end.

If the womanizer works for you, you will feel like Britney in the music video for womanizer, as illustrated in the header image of this page (if you’re viewing the specific post rather than the home page), and you can thank me for not having to see another article about squirting where some twat has used gushing water as the accompanying image. I fucking love fountains, but come on, it’s getting ridiculous now.

If you’re worried that orgasming with a vibrator / pulsating click sucking toy meaning you won’t be able to orgasm naturally, I would say, so what if you have to use a toy. If nothing else is working for you, and you are one of those women who needs very intense stimulation, as I do, there is no reason to deny yourself. Perhaps you will learn later to do it manually, perhaps you will not. But either way at least you will now be having orgasms, so there is really nothing to lose.

If you’re not sure if you have orgasmed or not, I have to say now that you know. It is unlike any other feeling, and you do not want it to end.

Final word

It’s kind of embarrassing as someone who likes to think of themself as a sexpert to have to admit that you didn’t even know what an orgasm was. But as a self proclaimed ‘sexpert’ that also means I’ve spent the last few months researching the fuck out of it, and experimenting with my own body. Now I just need to get used to orgasming in front of other people.

So to everyone I had sex with 2008 to mid 2018, I’m sorry for peeing on / near you / in front of you / in your bed. Unless you’re also into that. In which case, you’re welcome. 

What’s it like to be figged?

I found out what figging was circa 2007, and became curious about wanting to try it out. Figging is the technical term for putting a piece of ginger inside someone’s arsehole, which brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘spicing up your sex life’ #sorrynotsorry. Anyway, the idea is also to get whipped while the ginger is in there, because you can’t clench, so it hurts more.

In November I was on a first date with someone, we were in a pub kissing, and talking about kinky sex, and he happened to mention that he had tried it on himself once. Considering most people don’t even know what it is, I was very excited by the fact he had actually done it. He said he couldn’t remember exactly what it was like, only that it hurt a bit. This only made me more intrigued to feel it for myself.

The third time we met up, he came over and brought me some ginger as a joke. We didn’t use it that night, but the next time he came round I asked him to fig me. He’s generally not very practical, but he managed to peel the ginger and shape it into a butt plug. I had this idea that I wanted to be tied up, covered in honey, and figged. I usually like food stuff with clothes on, but for this time I felt like wanted to feel the honey on my skin.

He stripped me and tied me to the bed on my hands and knees with some coarse rope an ex once bought me from Homebase, that I’d never used, but I felt it would go with the fantasy. With figging, apparently you’re not supposed to use lube, so you can feel the stinging of the ginger juices, so he put the ginger inside me with no warm up, and wow it was painful.

He proceeded to whip me, and I remember feeling like I couldn’t take it as much as usual. I even told him not to pour the honey all over me in the end, as the whole experience was already too overwhelming. In my fantasy I had wanted him to fuck me with the ginger still in there for some double penetration, but I couldn’t handle the ginger any longer, and asked him to take it out before fucking me. He fucked me doggy style until he came inside me (or was it on my face that time?), and then left me with my sore arsehole and shame for being so not as hardcore as I think I am.

Figging lessons and conclusion:

I do feel like I was a total pussy about it, but next time I would do it a bit differently, so that I could take it better. I would probably have a drink or two beforehand – as I was stone cold sober it was harder to relax. I would ask the person to use lube and finger me first – the lube would wear off eventually, but it would have been easier if lube was used to start with, as the main problem for me seemed to be the size, rather than the juices. I’m also used to the thing inside my anus moving – e.g. a dick, so having the ginger just stuck there didn’t feel as comfortable for me (although he said that he finds the opposite is true and likes the feeling of just being filled). 

I wished afterwards that he had covered me in honey – we did do some stuff with honey another time after that and it was a lot of fun, but it was mostly me pouring it on him, so it would be good for me to properly experience that. I also got my revenge recently by fucking him with my strap-on, but that’s another story…

Generic new year new diet bullshit blog post

I never agreed with diets. I thought they were unnecessary, ridiculous, and shallow. I love Kate Moss, but when she said ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’, I thought ‘oh fuck off’ and reached for the pizza. But then I was 7 and a half stone for most of my late teens and early 20s. I didn’t need to diet. At first it was just because I had a fast metabolism. I could eat literally whatever I wanted and nothing happened. But then, just like Kate Moss, I had a little help from some class A friends. I also used to pole dance a lot more, so that kept me fit too. Plus I had youth on my side.

From around my mid-twenties, I started slowly putting on weight. I went to 8 and a half stone first, which in BMI terms is apparently the perfect weight for my height. Then a few years later it went up to 9 and a half stone, then the other day I weighed myself, and it said I was 10 stone. Now in some ways I love being a bit curvier. For a start I never thought I’d see the day when someone would ask me my bra size and I would proudly answer ‘34D’. I always liked the shape of my boobs, even when they were a B cup, but now I fucking love them. But I’m going to be honest now – I do want to lose around a stone.

There’s a lot on social media currently about body positivity, and I feel like it’s unfashionable now to say that you want to go on a diet. The thing is, I do still love my body, I just know that I loved it a bit better when I was around 8 and a half – 9 stone. I know I’ll never be a size 8 again, and I’m okay with that – I don’t really want to be. I did look too thin when I was 7 and a half stone, and heroin chic isn’t really in anymore. (Sorry Kate).  And I do want to keep most of the boobs. But I also want to be able to fit back into my old size 10 dresses and shorts, and be able to look down see my pussy again without having to suck my tummy in.

I also feel like if I carry on like this, then I’ll just keep putting on weight every few years, so I need to nip it in the bud now, before it becomes even harder to control. And I know it’s a cliché, but it’s not just about aesthetics –  I also want to just get fit and healthy too. I want to be able to hang upside down backwards on a pole again without feeling like I’m going to fall down and die at any second.

My problem is self control. I love food. It’s my favourite thing in the whole world. I love it more than wine, and comedy, and kinky sex, and Buffy the fucking Vampire Slayer. It makes me so excited. And I the hate the idea of having to deny myself food that I want. I like the gratuitous decadence of being greedy with food. I find eating a little bit sexy sometimes. I will never ever not eat in front of a date for fear of what they will think of me. God I feel hungry just typing this. I disagree with diets and restriction in principle. Live the life you want! But I have to acknowledge that sometimes living the life you want means making some lifestyle changes.

So this month I’m trying not to eat chocolate, cakes, and biscuits at all to curb the addiction to sugar, and then I can add it back but to a much lower extent. And I’m also trying to eat fewer bad carbs like white bread and white pasta, as your body processes them as sugar too. I want to go from what I eat being 60% carbs to eventually around 20%. I also want to start doing yoga every day, and more regular dance classes, running, hula hooping, and bike riding this year. In terms of drinking, I’m going to attempt to replace wine with vodka, lime, and soda at least half the time. But I won’t ever be doing dry January, or Veganuary for that matter. Mainly because I don’t wish to take all the joy completely out of my life.

My idea is not to think of it in a restrictive way – so rather than ‘oh crap I can’t have chocolate or ciabatta’. I’m trying to think of it more like  – awesome I can eat lots of cheese, and avocados, and steak. And eggs. I made some banging poached eggs the other day. And I’m not going to be a total annoying holier than thou dickhead about it. I’ll give myself cheat days. Of course. Just not too many. My problem has been that I’ve been seeing every day as a cheat day since 2003. (Prior to 2003 I lived at home and my mother was quite strict about what I could and couldn’t eat. Thus resulting in me eating everything in sight once I went to Uni and not ever learning the concept of moderation. Thanks mum).

By the way, I know some people talk about their body because they are either consciously or subconsciously fishing for compliments. I’m not writing this article because I want lots of people to write back and say ‘no you’re gorgeous, you don’t need to lose any weight’! (Although if you’d like to do that, don’t let me stop you).

I’m writing it because I think it’s okay to say that there’s something you are unhappy with about yourself and you want to change it.  And it’s not anti feminist, or body shaming to talk about it. Of course it’s also totally fine if you’re happy and don’t want to change anything! Or if you find diets problematic due to previous health issues with food. Or if you’re going on a diet and you’re doing it in a different way. I’m just trying what I think will work for me, and want to put this out there as a way of giving my perspective on it, and something to look back on at the end of the year and see if I reached my goal. Now where’s that fucking halloumi? 


Happy Fucking New Year

In 2016, one of the jobs that I was doing meant I had to work Saturday and Sunday daytime on both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I’d been invited to a small house party / gathering at my friend’s house for NYE, and was fully intending on going, but then got home and decided not to. I put a pizza in the oven, drank some wine, and put a film on. (I can’t remember which film, but I remember it being good). At midnight I looked out my window and saw some fireworks, and thought ‘this is way better than going out on NYE’.

Everyone is familiar with the hype of NYE, and the cliché that it’s always a hassle going out, and never as good as you expect it to be. I barely ever go to bars / clubs on New Years, and often spend it at a house party or gathering. And actually I’ve had some really fun nights doing that. But I forgot all of this, and became a bit obsessed with the idea of spending it alone. After all my own company is amazing – and I can never disappoint myself, right?

For the next few weeks after NYE 2016, I proceeded to tell everyone smugly that I’d had the best night of my life on my own at home. Then when anyone asked me what I was doing for NYE 2017, I told the same story again and how excited I was about replicating it. This ensured that for the first time in about 16 years, absolutely NOBODY asked me to do something with them on NYE (up until the actual day when one friend invited me to a gathering). But I was insistent on not going out.

In the late afternoon of the actual day, I decided to masturbate, as I‘m trying to learn how to cum while kneeling, so that in 2018 I can fulfil one of my lifelong ambitions of squirting all over a man’s face. I ended up having probably the best orgasm of my life so far. It was so good that I immediately had to drink some wine afterwards to calm myself down again. And maybe that was the problem. I peaked too soon. When you’re having multiple orgasms at 5pm, the rest of the night is obviously going to be a bit of a let down.

After the orgasm of the century, I made chicken curry, and some more mulled wine, and finished watching ‘Coupling’, which I’ve been re-watching recently. If you’ve never seen it, or you’ve forgotten how good it was, then I recommend watching it again. I love the intricate details of their mishaps, and the way the storytelling is edited and cut together. Also it’s from the early 2000s, which is very almost the 90s, so obviously I have a nostalgia thing going on for it.

Chicken curry, rice, and salad

After that I thought I should put on some music and have my own little mini party at home. I remember how me and one of my friends have spent a couple of New years together dancing to 90s music, specifically PJ & Duncan, and decided to listen to them, ironically, of course. (At first anyway).

Recently I saw someone post on Facebook that ‘Airplane’ was one the top 10 funniest films ever, and I thought – I should rewatch that. So I put it on. It was good, but not as funny as I remembered it. Maybe because I was watching it alone, there were no shared moments of laughter with anyone else. Looks like I picked the wrong day to watch ‘Airplane’.

After that I spoke on the phone to a friend, ran out of wine, and went to the shop to get some more. At midnight I went to my bathroom, and watched the various fireworks that were going off all over north London. After that I just remember drinking more wine, and staying up quite late for no reason.

It was ok. But it definitely wasn’t the best night of my life. I think 2016 had been so good, because I had been fully prepared to go out, but then made the impulse decision not to, so had to make the most of it, and enjoyed the relief of not having to make an effort to see people. It was similar to when a friend cancels on you and you’re secretly happy that you get a night in to yourself.

Even though I’m naturally an extrovert (ENFP and proud), sometimes I can be very introverted. As I once tweeted something like: ‘being an introverted extrovert means sometimes I hate people and want to be left alone, and sometimes I hate people but I need attention’. I do love spending time on my own, but I have been doing it a lot recently, and it makes me forget that I do also enjoy going out and seeing friends etc.  

Sometimes I convince myself that I’ll get loads done – I’ll do yoga, and creative stuff, and finally sort out those boxes I haven’t looked at since I moved 4 years ago, but then just end up spending most of the time on my phone. Which I’m still trying to do less of after the blog post last year about this. Who can actually keep their phone on flight mode for more that half an hour without checking it?! It’s so difficult. At least this evening I’ve written this blog post, which counts for something. But I need to stop hibernating, and start living a bit more. So that’s what I plan to do this year.

As for New Year’s Eves from now on, I’m going out. Not out out. Just to a house party. Invite me to all your parties. I’ll pick the best one. Or I’ll do some sort of house party crawl. Making sure I attend all of them for fear of missing out. Either that, or if I do end up staying in, it will be because I’m going to have the best orgasm of my life with someone else there. Forget kissing as the clock strikes midnight, I’d like to be fucking as the clock strikes midnight. I’ll let my pussy do the fireworks. 


Goodbye Monogamy Hello Polyamory

When I was younger, I just assumed that all romantic relationships were monogamous, and that as soon as you had the boyfriend / girlfriend conversation you would only be with that person. Because that’s the reality that society, TV, and the film industry sells to you.

I did have a couple of relationships in my early 20s where my boyfriends would ‘let me’ do stuff with women – presumably as they weren’t threatened by them (I don’t tend to date women – a blog on that coming soon), and also one of them liked us having threesomes with other women. But I wasn’t really allowed to do anything with other men. This was a massive double standard on that guy’s part since I would literally let him fuck other women in front of me. But anyway…

I think I’ve actually always been polyamorous. Around that time of late teens / early 20s, I was unfaithful in a few relationships, and although I knew logically it would hurt the other person, I also didn’t see why I couldn’t be with two people at the same time.

When a boyfriend cheated on me at the age of 19, I was a bit annoyed, but not massively. I went to visit him to try and ‘sort things out’, we all went for a went for a walk, and me and the other woman swam in fucking sea together in the middle of the night. Didn’t even try to drown her once.

She did tell me I could slap her in the face at one point when I was talking to her in her room (they lived in the same block), and I did, and I enjoyed it. But that might just be the kinky side of me. In terms of jealousy, I don’t think I felt what society told me I was supposed to feel. If anything I found the jealousy kind of hot. (The story of me and him in general is far more complicated than I have space for here – but I thought that anecdote was relevant to mention).

The boyfriend I dated for a year and a half, 2014 – 2016,  was very much into monogamy to the point where he said that if I even kissed anyone else, male or female, he would break up with me. This took me to new extremes of monogamy – on a female friend’s birthday night out, she went to snog me, as we often did while drunk, and I had to literally stop her and apologise that I couldn’t do it anymore. (Yes I could have just kissed her anyway and not told him, but I didn’t).  

I did start to wonder whether monogamy was for me, and whether I wanted to live with all these restrictions in my relationships. After that relationship ended I decided I wanted to be monogamish. Where you are mostly with one person, but you’re allowed to have the occasional kiss or shag etc (using condoms obviously), and it doesn’t have to ruin the relationship.

This came a lot from seeing so many people in relationships cheat on their partners. I’m sure there are some people who are truly monogamous, and would never cheat no matter what the circumstances, like that particular ex, and if that works for you, then great, but I do think total monogamy is unrealistic for a lot of people.

Why can’t we just admit that we find other people attractive and sometimes want to act on that? Instead of pretending you don’t and then making things worse when you deceive someone. I feel like relationships would be a lot better if we were just more honest with each other.

I tried to put this ‘monogamish’ into practice with the ice skating guy, but admittedly I did find it difficult. In theory we were not exclusive, and when he went to Madagascar to stay with a friend he used to fuck, I told him it would be okay if he wanted to have sex with her. And I did mean it, and would have been fine with him doing it, however in practice, when I was faced with the opportunity to sleep with other people while he away, I myself turned it down – three times! From two past fucks and one potential new one. Because I actually did feel a bit guilty about it – like it wasn’t the right thing to do while I was dating him.

The potential new one was a guy who I had amazing chemistry with, who was about to move to a different country, and I just know we would have had such great kinky sex, but I didn’t do it. I fucking wish I had now.

After it ended with me and ice skating guy, I vowed never to put all my eggs in one dickhead again. And not just aim for monogamish, but more like full blown non monogamy or polyamory. Potentially dating  / seeing several people at once. Not only because you miss out on experiences when you restrict yourself like that, only for them to fucking break up with you anyway. But also to try and quell my habit of getting too attached to one person, scaring them off and getting hurt. I wanted options. Which I think is probably quite an unusual reason for Polyamory, but actually one that seems to be working out quite well. Which I will go on to explain.

Around this time, something that helped me through the feelings after the break up was that I reread The Power of Now. And actually started putting it into practice. It’s basically all about intensely living in the present moment. You can think about the past and learn from it, and you can plan for the future, but you have to remember that all we really have is the now, and that everything else is an illusion. I have a tendency to get carried away with future plans when I like someone, and I think that polyamory is the height of mindfulness, because it doesn’t see relationships in terms of one attachment to one person – it’s more about that particular time you have with that person at that moment in time.

Something that has stuck out in my mind for about 14 years is when I read ‘ A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters’ by Julian Barnes. There’s a chapter called Parenthesis all about love where he quotes a writer called Mavis Gallant who said ‘The mystery of what a couple is exactly, is almost the only true mystery left to us.’ At the time I didn’t really understand, but as I’ve got older, I’ve come to realise what he meant. Being in a couple is quite a weird thing really. And it’s different for everyone.

But back to being in the moment. Why should you limit yourself?

If you have different friends to go out for drinks with or go to the cinema with, then why can’t you have different people to have romantic and / or sexual experiences with? The thing is that when it comes to sex, some people like to have this possession or ownership over someone else, and that can be where problems arise from.

I also like the idea of a spectrum. So maybe you have lovers that you also have totally non sexual moments with, but also have friends you might share a sexual or flirtatious moment with. Polyamory is more of a way of life with self contained interactions and not trying to get everything from one person. It means that if you’re dating someone who is not into a particular kink that you are, then you can always do that with someone else instead. Polyamory also suits my lifestyle because as a stripper, and a massive flirt, it means I can do all this and not worry about someone getting jealous or possessive.

So a few weeks after I decided I was going to try it out, a guy messaged me on OkCupid and we started chatting. He was in an open relationship and we agreed to meet for a drink. As soon as I saw him I fancied him, plus he was really easy to talk to. We kissed in the pub and were getting along really well. He wasn’t really taking the piss out of me as much as I like, but as soon as I told him that’s my thing, he definitely got into it.

After a few drinks, I got hungry and we went to the shop, got sandwiches and then we broke into a park and ate food, and hung out and chatted more. I told him about one of my kinks (wet and messy fetishism) that I sometimes allude to, or even take part in, but often without having the full deep conversation about it.

I don’t always feel totally comfortable talking about it, but with him I felt like I could. He said he would like to try it with me, and his positive reaction has made me so much more confident in discussing it, in fact I’m writing a whole blog post on the subject. And some jokes.

Anyway, hanging out was really fun, and at one point in the park I’d said part of me wanted to just fuck him there and then, and then he told me about him and his girlfriend’s no penetration rule. (Which is a double shame as he also said he would like to be pegged). In fact not only, do they have a no penetration rule – they actually have a no pants completely off rule, and a no oral rule. Which basically means fingering / hand jobs only.


Apparently they are building up to it. They started the open relationship earlier this year as they both fancied people that they work with, so she has a guy from work that she sees regularly, but for him the woman from his work didn’t want to see him in the context of an open relationship. (Hence being on OkCupid looking for someone he could spend time with too).

His girlfriend also sees the wife of the man she is seeing from work, sometimes with him and sometimes without. So it’s an interesting set-up. They also can’t stay over people’s houses either. (They live together).  It’s an odd concept in a way because the whole point of polyamory for me is not to have rules – but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect their rules. Also the fact that we can’t go too far makes it kind of hot. Like an affair without the guilt. Obviously I am hoping in the future that we can do more, but for now I don’t mind the tease.  

The second time I saw him he came over to my flat. And this is where kink really comes in. Because when you can’t fuck, you’ve got to do other stuff. When I told some people he had come round, but that him and his gf have the no penetration and no oral rule – they were like ‘what’s the point?!’ but I can tell you now that I had one of the most fun nights of my life.

We drank wine and played chess. And he suggested that every time one of us loses a piece the other person can ask you to do something. He asked me to show him my tits, then asked me to do role play where I had to dress up like I would as a stripper, but try to talk him into a game of chess instead of a dance – which was both sexy and hilarious at the same time.

I asked him to slap me in the face, and then poured a bottle of water over him #standard. He ended up whipping me and dripping candle wax on me, and then we were asking each other intimate sexual questions, and it went on for so long that we had to just give up on asking for tasks and finish the game.

He forked my king and my queen with his knight, and I lost, which of course only made me more turned on. I ended up playing with my vibrator, and then his dick, and he came all over my tits. Shame it wasn’t on my face, but I think we decided to save that. The next day he texted me saying ‘I hope you’re still annoyed that I beat you at chess’. So. Fucking. Hot.

It’s definitely an unusual experience when someone else is in your ‘relationship’, because it’s literally already their relationship. Like he mentioned that he’d told his girlfriend about my wet and messy fetish, and I was slightly annoyed. But then immediately really turned on that he’d told her something so personal about me.

He said he would like me to meet her at some point, and that might be just hanging out, or it could turn into a threesome – it totally depends. I’m quite curious to meet her actually, and part of me likes the idea of sleeping with her too. Unfortunately he said she’s not that kinky – as the thought of us hurting each other really appeals to me. Perhaps he could just tie me up and fuck her in front of me. I like that idea too.

It’s been a real lesson for me in getting used to seeing someone, but maintaining a distance. Here’s the thing – I really like him – but I don’t spend all my time thinking about him. I don’t get angsty if he doesn’t text back straight way. And of course it means I don’t feel guilty about talking to other guys and setting up dates with them. (I have two this week). I can tell him about my other sexual experiences like when I fucked the 20 year old, and we can talk openly about it.

It also helps that he’s not a frequent texter generally. So he’ll text to arrange meeting or to say he had a good time, and a bit in between for a quick catch up. But the fact that I’m not expecting to hear from him every day, or even every week, has taken the pressure off so much.

I know that he’s thoughtful, and interested in me – he’s listened to podcasts I’ve been on and he reads my blog, but there’s no need to have some perfunctory conversation about how our day went all the time. One of the things that fucked me up with ice skating guy is that he texted so much at the beginning, so it was so noticeable when he didn’t text as much.

Ironically on one of the podcasts I was a guest on in February this year I talked about being monogamish, but not polyamorous as such. I even said that I hate it when guys online in open relationships message you because they want something extra, because I’m thinking I want to be the main person, not the extra. And perhaps that was how I felt about it at the time, but I’ve definitely got a different point of view now. A girl can change her mind, after all.

Being polyamorous has also changed my perspective on other people’s relationships. In the same way I’m training myself not to presume gender, race, sexuality, and so on, as well as not having heteronormative views on sex and ‘virginity’, I’m also not presuming monogamy. Admittedly the two men I was recently interested in who are in relationships, did say they were indeed monogamous when I asked them, (one said he would have been interested in me otherwise, the other one I’m not sure), but you never know. My mother always taught me if you don’t ask, you don’t get. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t talking about polyamorous sex, but the point still stands. 

My ideal situation is probably to have a few people that I see regularly for dates and / or sex / kink. Although I don’t have massive amounts of free time – so not sure how frequent each one could be. Perhaps there’ll be one that will turn into more of a boyfriend / girlfriend type thing, but for me that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop seeing this current guy occasionally as well, (which means obviously they would have to be polyamorous or at least monogamish too). I enjoy his company, and I shouldn’t have to give that up. He’s coming to one of my gigs soon, and I’m looking forward to him telling me which jokes of mine he didn’t find funny afterwards, possibly over a game of chess, and some wine…

Fucking, foreplay, and heteronormativity

The other day I posted on my blog about fucking a 20 year old (guy), with the caveat that I had done it before, but only with two other people in my lifetime. A woman I slept with a few times at University commented ‘weren’t we 19 when we met?’ And it drew attention to the fact that I only count men in my ‘number’.

I have a list on my phone simply named as ‘fuck list’ – we all have a list, right? With a symbol next to the ones that were good? My list is only guys who have put their dick inside me. But what about women? Why don’t I count them? Perhaps because the word ‘fuck’ sounds a bit rough, or violent. It evokes the action of penetrating. It’s not a word you associate with going down on a woman. In fact I just found out that there’s a radical feminist movement on the internet who think that PIV / PinV (penis in vagina) is always rape because it’s a ‘violent’ act. I obviously don’t agree with the theory, but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyway…if my list is only about penetration, then what about the fact I’ve fucked women with strap-ons, and vice versa, surely they should be on the list? But then a strap-on is not part of me, so is it not the same thing?

If I was going to start counting women, what do I count? Do I count fingering? Or do I only count it if we did oral? Or if we did it in a bed and there was a whole long experience? What do women who only sleep with women count? I’m guessing different people count differently. I know some gay men who do count oral sex as sex. And what if I had sex with a woman who had a penis – why would I count that, but not a woman who doesn’t have one? The implication of only counting it if a dick is in the equation is that you’re automatically inferior if you don’t have one. Ah the patriarchy.  

And it’s not even that I don’t count women, I only count PinV sex. There’s a guy I had sex with once, but he only fucked me in the arse (perhaps a story for another time), so he’s not on my list. I also don’t count a few guys who I only had inside me for a few seconds. 30 seconds or more at least. In the pussy. That’s my rule apparently. My list is very selective. 

If I start counting women, surely I need to also count all the men I did fingering/oral sex with? But I can’t remember…I can’t remember the names of all the men and women I gave oral to, but for some reason I’ve made a special effort to remember the names of every man who has fucked me with their dick.

Because heteronormative society views that as the height of sexual experience, and I am just as guilty of subscribing to it. I’m often eager to get to the penetrative sex, even though I don’t always enjoy it the most. Why is oral and fingering called foreplay? Because intercourse is supposed to be the fucking main event.

But sometimes ‘foreplay’ can be the ‘main event’. It was great to see Grey Worm giving Missandei cunnilingus in Game of Thrones – but that’s literally because he doesn’t have a dick. How often do you see that on TV? I think there may have been a Misfits episode where Simon does it to Alisha, but it doesn’t happen that often.

It also goes back to the social construct of ‘losing your virginity’. The fact that in straight terms it’s basically when a dick goes inside you. But what about gold star lesbians? Or gay men who don’t do penetration? Do they spend their whole lives as ‘virgins’?! Do they think of themselves as virgins?! I’m guessing not. Sometimes you gotta make your own definitions. 

Even the language is all wrong. Losing your virginity. Like it’s something to be held onto. Not an experience to be gained.

Maybe I don’t count everything, because once I’d, in theory, gone the furthest, I wasn’t interested in counting anything less than that. I did used to count how many people I’d kissed and all their names, but once I ‘lost my virginity’ that took over. Or maybe I don’t count all the experiences more than kissing, because then my number would probably to be closer to 100.

But why do we count anyway? Why does it matter what my number is? I guess numbers are a quick way to find out how sexually experienced someone is, but it doesn’t work if you’re not including all the information.

It’s probably just another way to shame women for being too ‘frigid’ or too ‘promiscuous’, and a way to shame men for being too ‘frigid’. (Since they don’t usually get shamed for promiscuity). Plus you could have had sex with lots of people, but only once, or sex with not as many people, but lots of times.

It’s really difficult to retrain yourself out of the heteronormative way of thinking, but I’m going to give it a go. From now on, I’m going to count all the experiences I have, whether there ends up being a D in my V or not. I will try and stop using the term ‘losing virginity’, and I’m going to edit my list to include all my previous sexual experiences (that I can remember) from both men and women. Just not those ones that lasted less than 30 seconds. Fuck. That.


What’s it like to fuck a 20 year old?

Ok so it’s not the first time I’ve fucked a 20 year old.

Other times this has happened:

  1. At 19, when I lost my virginity to a 20 year old. 
  2. At 28, I fucked a 20 year old who was very kinky – he choked me, stuck his fingers down my throat, and came all over my face. Then he had the cheek to ask me to lend him £20, as he’d lost his bank card, along with some headphones, so he could listen to some music on the way to Fabric. #youngpeople (To his credit I did get them both back).

But now I’m in my 30s.

So is 20 too young?

It was the Friday before Halloween, and I went to my friend’s warehouse party. Here is a picture I took while getting ready, before I put my  dress on.Carmen Ali Halloween PicIf that’s not a picture that says ‘I’m getting laid tonight’,  I don’t know what is.  (Although, of course it’s easy to say that in retrospect). 

After about an hour of being there, this boy came over to me. He said the party was ‘lit’. Apparently that’s a word young people are using a lot at the moment.

Me: How old are you?

Him: How young would you go?

Me: Um…18 maybe

Him: I’m 20

Me: Oh good

In my head: I’m glad he’s not 18

I did also check his id to make sure he was actually 20, because unlike Kevin Spacey, I like to practice challenge 25 when it comes to random guys I meet at parties.  (I did this in a half joking way, as I didn’t really think he was lying about his age).

And so it went on. He had all the cockiness of a 20 year old who knows that he is hot, but I kind of liked that. He seemed sure of the fact that he was coming home with me that night, and I felt he would be too, but wanted to make him work for it a bit. He was cute, blond, and skinny, and I was definitely attracted to him. His banter was a bit second rate, but he didn’t seem to mind me telling him his jokes were shit (as well as twisting his nipple pretty damn hard within about 2 minutes of meeting him). 

He said I was a ‘freak’ like him, which made me think of the Sugababes song. Ah early 2000s nostalgia. He asked me if I was into candle wax, so I told him about my candles designed specifically for wax play, and the night descended into flirting, kissing, and talking about what we were going to do to each other. He also asked me if I had any anal beads. (Do I look seem like the sort of woman who doesn’t have anal beads?!) I’d ran out of my wine pretty quickly, so it was also handy meeting him, as he kept giving me some of his rum and coke and I didn’t have to walk to the fucking shop. We hung out in his friend’s room and made out. We talked about having kinky sex, and he choked me, we slapped each other, and he sucked and bit on my nipples. 

Eventually we went back to mine,  and I asked him what kind of music he wanted to listen to – he said ‘Disclosure’ (no idea) so I found it on Spotify (seemed to be a mix of artists) and put on an album.

I sat on top of him on the bed, we were kissing, and I picked up a bottle of water and poured it all over him, soaking his white T-shirt, because let’s be honest, all white clothes look better when wet.

He looked initially annoyed, but then resisted when I tried to take his shirt off before tying him up, so perhaps he liked the feeling of the damp fabric stuck to his skin. I tied him to my bed with duct tape, which I haven’t used for a while, but didn’t feel sober enough to be able to find handcuff keys later. 

I pulled his t-shirt up to expose his nipples, lit a candle, and dripped wax all over them, and the rest of his chest. He writhed in a sexy ‘I’m in pain but I like this’ sort of way, and I thought I’m definitely enjoying my dominant side at the moment.

I remember untying him and him fingering me. It was okay, not the worst I’ve ever had, but my g-spot wasn’t exactly bursting with joy,  ready to write its own blog post about it. I started playing with his cock, but there were no signs of life. He had mentioned he’d taken a bit of cocaine earlier in the night, (but had stopped when he knew we were going back together) and he had drank a lot, but perhaps he was also intimidated by having sex with an older, kinky woman – even though at the party he had been the one desperate for all the kinky stuff to happen. 

Anyway, I sucked his dick diligently, and eventually it got just hard enough to put a condom on. We had sex for a bit with me on top, then it fell out, so we switched to doggy, and he put his thumb in my arsehole, which always feels oddly satisfying for me. I think men must know that it’s an instant way to improve mediocre sex. He spanked me a little, and we were getting into it for a while. But eventually I got a bit bored, so I stopped and I took my vibrator out, and even though it felt like my batteries were running out, I just about managed to cum. I thought it was funny that my ejaculate fluid on my bed made a dick shape. It was almost like my pussy was saying ‘ha ha I don’t need you’. 

He tried to wank over me, but he couldn’t cum, so we went to sleep. I think he felt a bit disappointed about not being able to fuck ‘all through the night to the early morn’ and said he was going to fuck me properly the next day.

At around 8am in the morning I caught him taking a photo – I had heard the clicking noise, so I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was taking a selfie, as his friend had asked him where he was. #20yearolds

He swiftly got dressed, left sheepishly, and I haven’t heard from him since. Ah a true one night stand.

So here are the lessons I have learnt (yes sometimes you gotta learn a lesson more than once)

  1. One bottle of wine is not enough for a party
  2. I should have used the anal beads on him while he was tied up
  3. I often enjoy flirting, kissing, and kinky foreplay more than actual penetration 
  4. I need to get some Viagra or similar, as this has happened way too many times for me not to have some on standby (although people have commented since saying it doesn’t go well with alcohol and coke, but apparently there’s a wine that has the same effect)
  5. That Sugababes video is weirder than I remember
  6. 20 probably is a bit too young