So how did you two meet?

One of my friends, who has mostly dated people from OkCupid, asked me recently whether I thought I would meet someone IRL, and if that’s even possible now. So I decided to make a pie chart of all the men I’ve dated/had sex with since University and how I met them. The good news is that most of them I did meet in real life. The bad news is that almost a third of them are comedians.

pie-chart-2

Some extra facts for you:

One of the men in ‘comedy’ was a non comedian, but he was friends with a comedian and we met when he was in the audience at one of my gigs (the only time I’ve ever dated an audience member)
The one on holiday was coincidentally friends with a comedian I know
The one from the bar was working behind the bar
The one from the dating event was also working behind the bar
‘Other’ was this guy I met at Erotica one year, who was helping his dad sell Botox

Comedy

Comedy seems to be the main way for me to meet someone, but now I’m not as keen to date another comedian. It was new and exciting at first dating fellow comics, and getting to meet so many new men, but now I’m kind of over that, and want comedy to be my thing, rather than our thing. I’m obviously not going to rule it out, but that’s just my preference.

I do wish that more male audience members would chat to me after gigs though, and not just to say ‘I don’t usually find women funny, but you were great’, I mean actually chat to me. I did a gig the other week and made eye contact with a man both while I was on stage, and afterwards from across the room, but a few minutes later when I was going to find him to talk to him, he had left.

I’ve heard a lot of female comedians say that they don’t get hit on by audience members, possibly because some men find it intimidating. Perhaps in my case men are scared off by my kinky sex jokes. But if that’s the case then it’s good they find out sooner rather than later. 

A few months ago I did sort of get offered a threesome after a gig in Buckinghamshire – there was a couple, and the woman was trying to get me to go out with them afterwards, and then said I could stay at their house, but she was really drunk and I couldn’t tell exactly what the situation was. The 21-year-old me would have stayed out with them anyway and just seen what happened, but I just really wanted to go home to my own bed and sleep. Clearly I’m not young or cool enough to have threesomes anymore. 

Through friends

Through friends is clearly by my statistics also a great way to meet men, but this has almost always ended badly for me, so I’m a bit reluctant to try that route again. Having said that if you’re my friend and you have any friends you think I’d be a good match with, that I haven’t already dated and/or fucked, then let me know.

The problem with online dating

One of the many problems I have with dating is time. In that I probably don’t actually have enough time to date even though I want to, and this is amplified when it comes to online dating. If I’ve met someone already in real life and I already know I like them, then I’m way more likely to make time to meet up with them, but if it’s just someone I’ve been talking to online, even if I think we might get along, then it’s hard for me to sacrifice time I would spend with myself or seeing friends, to meet them.

I cancelled a date today as I needed time to write a monologue to submit to something as the deadline is Friday. But if I’d already met him and knew I liked him then I might have been more willing to try and do both in one day. (I am half way through the monologue and now I have writer’s block on what to write next. Hence writing this blog).

What I’d really like

I wish more guys would talk to me in real life, and I don’t mean the man that said ‘hey baby’ at 11pm the other night on the street. I wish guys would talk to me in coffee shops, or at bars, after my gigs, or in the supermarket. I hate the fact that this happens all the time in films but never actually happens in life.

And before anyone says that I can make a move first – I do sometimes (both in real life and online) and it’s usually met with horror, disinterest, or initial interest leading to fear because I’m interested, and so ultimately disinterest.

Maybe when I find a guy who does genuinely like a woman making the first move (not just says they do), that will be my ideal man and we will fall in love and have hundreds of babies. (JOKE).

So why don’t men talk to us in public?

Perhaps because women are more vocal about sexual harassment now, men are scared of being accused of this, so some of them just avoid talking to us altogether. Weirdly this hasn’t stopped actual sexual harassment. But there’s a big difference between starting a friendly conversation with a women and seeing if she wants to talk too, and being that annoying guy who won’t leave her alone.

Perhaps another reason is because a lot of the time I don’t make an effort. I’m pretty low maintenance. I often don’t wear any make up. Sometimes I don’t wash my hair, and dry shampoo is not as effective as I want it to be. Basically I look rough as fuck about 50% of the time.

Yesterday I put on some make-up and did my hair, wore one of my favourite dresses, and a necklace everyone seems to love. I went to host my Tuesday night quiz. One of the teams drew a heart on their answer sheet with ‘quizmaster’ inside it, I was bought a drink anonymously by an ‘Irish guy’ (that’s all the barmaid would tell me), and I caught a random guy at the bar checking me out. 

So maybe if I want to be chatted up like in the movies, I need to look more like I could be in the movies, not like I just woke up and couldn’t give a shit (even though some guys do find that look more sexy). I guess part of this also has to do with feeling more confident about myself, and therefore coming across as more attractive. 

The last reason is that a lot of the good ones are taken. I was standing at a bar the other night ordering pizza and briefly spoke to a cute guy. Then the bar person handed him two drinks and he walked away. Bye cute guy who probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend. 

What now?

Dating myself has been going well. I went for pizza alone the other day and had a great time, as I didn’t have to talk to anyone else. In terms of meeting someone, I am going to make an effort to approach men in real life regardless, I will re-arrange that internet date I had to cancel, and I’m going to go to some dating events this year (and hopefully it won’t just be the barman I fancy this time). 

Top image from izquotes

Men are a Distraction (Flaky Chris, Horny Nathan, and Sexual Harassment)

I decided that in order to attract a relationship, I needed to give off more of a relationship vibe on OkCupid, so I re-answered a couple of questions, added ‘no hookups’ to my profile, took off some of the sexier pics (which I shouldn’t have to do but I thought ‘okay I’ll play the game’), and added some ‘look how much of a fun girlfriend I would be’ pics. It hasn’t really made much difference to the quality of messages I’ve been receiving, but at least if the right guy does come across it, then it will be clearer to them. 

There was a guy called Chris I’d been talking to since December, and after my decision to look for dating rather than sex, I told him about this, and he said he was still interested in us meeting up.

We arranged to meet on a Wednesday afternoon in a cool cafe on Brick Lane. I got there at 4.40 (only ten minutes late for once!!) and text him saying I was there. He replied saying he’d thought he messaged me to change it to 5.30.

WHAT?!

I said ‘okay I’ll just chill in the cafe and listen to a podcast’. Then at ten past 5 he sends me this:`

chris-2

Then he said I was the first person he’d stood up ‘unintentionally’! Apparently people just go around doing this, yet I once turned up to a date just to tell the guy I didn’t want to go on a date with him. Which I think is the right thing to do.

I joked about him flaking due to not wanting to be on my blog, and he said actually he’d quite like to be on my blog, and I said it was too late, and he’ll always just be Flaky Chris now. I’m aware his wish has still come true. (Be careful what you wish for, Chris).

We chatted on Whatsapp for a bit and he said he’d still like to meet me, and because I keep forgetting that I’M AN AMAZING WOMAN WHO SHOULD STOP GOING FOR IDIOTS WHO AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, I said ‘well okay, you can come to my gig on Saturday’, because I have to be there anyway, so it doesn’t matter if you turn up or not.

I thought about if for a few days, and then decided that I didn’t want Flaky Chris to come. Yes it can be fun having a date at your gig, but it’s also annoying in a way. It was different when Tory1 came to see me, because I’d already met him, but it still took away from me a little. I did a gig last week run by the same people who had been at Date with a Tory, and one of them said it was good to watch me perform without being distracted by him. I just did jokes about him instead. 

So I told Flaky Chris not to come to my gig, as it was my first of the year, and I needed to focus on the comedy. #TheComedysMoreImportant

Now if I’d been really clever in the first place, I would have given him the details of another gig to go to that I wasn’t going to be at, and he would have gone there, and I could have got my revenge. But sadly I didn’t think that quickly. 

Anyway, Flaky Chris then asked if he could come to the next gig after that, and I said some friends might be coming (which was sort of true). He kept messaging me, so I eventually replied and asked him how his weekend was, and got a reply I was not expecting.

He told me he’d been doing a parasite cleanse, and that he was disappointed he’d ‘shit out a worm but most of them are to (sic) small to see’…

I purposefully tapered off the conversation after that, and that was the end of Flaky Chris and his flaky parasites. 

But let’s talk about Horny Nathan…

Nathan was another one who I’d been talking to online since December. I asked him about what he was looking for, and he said just a casual thing at the moment. I said that wasn’t really what I was after, and told him about my bad experience. He agreed that even casual sex still needs some sort of connection and intimacy, and I thought ‘well we all have needs’, maybe I could try it again with someone different.

But we carried on chatting and the more we chatted, the less I was interested in meeting him. He always seemed to be telling me he was horny and his sexting style was a little strange. Not only did he lack imagination, but he’d often put a winky face after something blatantly sexual.

For example:

Feel the inside of your pussy all over my cock 😉

Why is there a winky face after that?

It reminded me of a song by a comedian called Lucy Cox where she sang, ‘winky face means sex’. Winky face is something you use after innuendo to make it extra clear there was a bit of flirting going on. 

When you’re already talking about sex, there’s no need to confirm that you were talking about sex! Also I don’t mind chatting a bit about sex before you meet someone, maybe just to work out compatibility, but when that’s the main topic, I get bored of being just your wanking material.

He was mostly only messaging late at night (oh I wonder why), but one time we were daytime chatting and he suggested us meeting to have sex. I reiterated what I’d said in the past to him about going for a drink with NO EXPECTATIONS just to see if we got along, which he’d seemed to be fine with a couple of weeks ago, but not anymore.

nathanscreenshot-2

Why are people going to other people’s houses that they’ve met online without meeting in public first?

Of course I’m very aware that you can still be raped and/or murdered by someone you’ve met in a public place, and then gone back with later (remember that Tinder hotel story one of my Tinder dates told me), and I’m also aware that most rapes and murders are carried out by someone you know.

However, I do think that meeting someone first, and getting a sense of what they are like before you go home with them is the most sensible thing to do in this situation, but clearly he doesn’t have the patience for this.

I also don’t understand the assumption that you’re definitely going to fancy each other. Even if someone looks attractive in their pics, I think a lot of us have been on dates where the pics might as well have been of a different person. When you’re in a pub, it’s not quite as difficult to leave prematurely, but once you’re at someone’s house, that’s a lot more awkward.

Anyway, Horny Nathan hasn’t replied since then. He’s probably still horny and most likely wanking right now. 

But moving on to more important things…

I think I’m a fairly chilled feminist socialist. I don’t tend to rant about feminism or politics that much online, other than sharing the odd piece here and there. I’ve never been to a march, or a protest before, and probably wouldn’t have gone on Saturday even if I didn’t have other plans.* Because effort. And crowds. Okay I’m basically a lazy feminist. I’ll like your social media posts with all the witty placards and signs, but actually go along myself? No chance.

But something happened to me on Saturday that made me think maybe I do need to be a bit more proactive. And it seemed all the more telling that it happened on the same day as the Women’s March, and Trump’s inauguration. I went to my friend’s birthday drinks in the evening, and had a really good time, and I was walking home from the tube probably around 11.30pm.

In a very short space of time after exiting the station I had 3 different men saying things like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘sexy’ to me. I was annoyed, but I was cold, and wanted to get home, and the lazy feminist in me couldn’t be bothered to say anything. But then a few minutes later, I realised three men were walking behind me, one of them made a weird noise, the sort you would use to try and summon an animal, and another one said something about me, I can’t remember what it was but it made me feel uncomfortable, and was an unwanted distraction to my journey home.

The culmination of all these events meant that I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. In the past I’ve shouted at guys or told them to ‘fuck off’, but this time I decided to talk to them about it, in a calm way, without losing my temper. 

I turned around and told them that it wasn’t appropriate to do that to a woman walking on her own late at night, and that they should have more respect. One of them tried to argue that some women like it and that it was a compliment.

As we walked down the street, I tried to explain that most women I know don’t like it, and they’ve probably just never told them.

And yes, sometimes I like sexual attention from men, of course I can admit that, but it’s all about context. And this was the wrong context. It’s not nice to feel outnumbered and intimidated.

The one who made the noises kept asking me questions like ‘where are you going now?’, I told him this was inappropriate too, and the men laughed at this (not in a good way), and couldn’t understand what was wrong about what they were doing.

I went on to say that they’ve probably never felt scared that they might be attacked or assaulted walking by themselves, but that’s how women feel sometimes, and especially at night time they should just leave us alone. But no matter what I said, they just didn’t seem to get where I was coming from, and it made me so angry and upset that they couldn’t see it from my point of view. 

So now we have a President of the United States who doesn’t seem to care about consent or women’s rights, or anything that makes logical sense. A President who would probably would take the side of these men who thought it was okay to harass me on my way home. 

I won’t even apply for a job where I don’t meet one of the points on the person specification, yet Trump acts like he never even read the job description. And yes maybe Hillary wasn’t the best option either, but at least she was qualified for the role, and didn’t go around saying it was okay to grab men’s dicks without their permission. But so many people were too distracted by Trump’s incredibly unconventional approach to running for president to see through his bullshit. It seemed like the more controversial he was, the more support he got.

I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media saying that democracy happened and people should get over it, yet I keep thinking about the fact that Hillary actually got more votes than Trump. More people wanted her to be president. If this had happened in Brexit there would have been outrage.** ‘Oh we know you got 1,269,501 more votes, but sorry babes some votes are worth more than others’.

Saturday night was another reminder that a lot of men in the world just don’t respect women, not enough to turn up for a date, not enough to want us for more than just sex, not enough to criticise a female politician intelligently without resorting to gender based remarks, not enough to support our reproductive rights, and not enough to let us walk home in peace without feeling the need to comment on the way we look. 

What can we do about it?

What I said to those guys probably didn’t make any difference, but maybe if the next woman says something to them, and the woman after that, maybe if we keep challenging this behaviour, eventually things will improve. I don’t know. And I understand why most women would put their heads down and just keep walking, because there is a real risk of something awful happening to you. But I’m not going to stop challenging it. And I might even go to a women’s march next time. I can use my new found love of arts and crafts to make a good banner.

And what about dating?

I just keep finding that men are a distraction, and not just the ones you like either. The ones you don’t like are a distraction too. The time you spend checking online messages and profiles in the vague hope there will be a decent one there.

It annoyed me that I’d wasted an afternoon waiting for some guy who didn’t have the basic capability to organise his day properly. (I’d even been willing to overlook the fact that he often made really bad spelling and grammar errors on text, despite good grammar being one of my favourite things, as he said he was dyslexic).

If I think about my happiest times, a lot of them are when I was single and didn’t have any guys on my mind. So yeah it would be nice to have a partner to go to the next Winter Wonderland with, but I’m just going to try and not put too much attention into it, just check the apps every now and then, and meet people that seem cool, but not waste too much time messaging, or agree to meet guys I already know I won’t be compatible with.

At the beginning of this month, I wanted to go on a date every week, and basically treat it like a numbers game, but someone pointed out to me that I was turning it into project, and this might not be the best approach, and I agree. What I really would like is to meet someone in real life, and this seems so rare now, but I’m also going to keep going to cool and interesting places and see what happens.

Maybe I’ll find someone to be my boyfriend this year, and maybe I won’t, but in the meantime I’m dating myself. I’m going to be my own best boyfriend. Take myself on dates, cook myself great food, watch movies with myself, maybe use my vibrator a bit more often, and cuddle myself…yeah that last one is weird, I guess I can use my teddy or new piggy for that instead.

*I was watching one of my female friends in the Musical Comedy Awards heat- so in a way I was still supporting the cause

**Side note – let’s not forget that the outcome of the referendum was supposed to be advisory, yet I suspect even with the fact there now has to be a vote in parliament, there’s nothing we can do to stop Brexit now, and even Jeremy Corbyn seems to want it (just put us all out of our misery Jez and admit you secretly voted leave)

My new piggy:

piggy

Holding out for a hero (decent guy)

So after my recent revelations about casual sex, I decided to approach my dating life with a view to it turning into something more meaningful. Okay if you’re really going to make me say it.

I’m looking for a boyfriend.

This means when I’m seeing someone, I will be waiting for a while before I sleep with them. 

Let me explain.

I don’t think that it should matter whether you fuck a guy within 5 minutes of meeting him or waiting 3 months to do it, it shouldn’t make a difference to whether they want to go out with you or not. But it does. Not always, but it does.

When Tory 1 said that we should go out for dinner first before we had sex so we were more invested, he did have a point.

I still don’t understand why you would say that to someone and then turn around and say you thought it was casual. 

But anyway, I think that it came from a place of truth.

Which is that when men are not invested in you, they will fuck you maybe once, or twice or even several times, then often decide they don’t want to see you anymore.

I’ve always been one of those people that says you should get it out of the way within the first few dates, because what if you’re not sexually compatible? What if he has a small dick?* What if he has a really weird dick? What if there’s no dick?

But how many times have you had sex with someone you really like and/or you’re really attracted to, and it’s been really bad, or there’s been something really wrong with them?

In my experience, you can usually tell by making out with someone and/or talking about sex if the sex is going to be good or not. And if the sex is so bad that you can’t sustain a relationship with them, then you will just have to break up. Que sera sera.

Why not find out first if you would want to be in a relationship with each other based on spending time together? When you’ve established that, then you can have sex.

One of my friends recommended I read one of those cheesy dating books called ‘Become your own Matchmaker’ by Patti Stanger, which has steps for attracting a mate. It was a bit conventional for me, and as is usually the case with these books, the end goal is marriage, which is not something I want, but I did learn some really good tips such as the ‘non-negotiables’. This means you make a list of 5 qualities you absolutely need to have in a future partner, so you don’t waste time on people you are really incompatible with. I think this is fantastic idea, and I wish I had done this years’ ago.

Anyway, she also advocates waiting to sleep with a guy, but she goes even further to say you should tell them:

‘I’m really attracted to you, but I’m not the type of girl who sleeps around. I need to be in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship before I can have sex.’

Of course I could never say this with a straight face. Especially since most guys I meet want to Google me when they find out I do stand-up, and that means they come across this blog. However, I do think I could say to someone that I’m not ready to have sex with them until I’ve got to know them a bit better.

This is also a little different for me, as ideally I’m looking for more monogamish than monogamous. For me that would translate as most of the time you are committed to that person, but it’s not the end of the world if something happens with someone else on the odd occasion – use a condom and let’s move on. I would like to talk about my reasons for this in more detail, but I think that will have to be a whole other blog entry. So in the meantime…

I can imagine some of you may still be skeptical.

But think about when you were at school/college/maybe even uni…a lot of time you would start ‘dating’ someone, or call them boyfriend or girlfriend without even having had sex with them. Often because neither of you had had sex yet. But that person might be the first person you end up sleeping with months or years down the line. It was all done on attraction and personality. There was no worrying what if he/she’s not good in bed? So why don’t we do that now?

Honestly, I’m just a bit fed up of giving my pussy away and then being hurt afterwards. And yes it shouldn’t feel like ‘giving it away’, but from now on my puss is certainly going to be more picky.

This might be difficult for me, as I can be quite a sexual person, especially when I meet someone I am really into. But on the flip side, I can also often be way more into getting to know someone, and doing activities together, than the actual sex. Anyone who has heard my chess joke knows this. So I think I’ll be fine. Having said that, if you beat me at chess, that is like foreplay to me, so it might be better to stay away from that at the beginning. 

But yeah, this is an experiment, and it might not work – I may still end up getting hurt, and writing all about it on my blog, but there’s no harm in trying it out.

To be continued…

*Notes on a small dick

Guys, I know it’s not your fault if you happen to have a small one, but sadly there’s not much I can do about that.

I know that by not fucking until it’s more like we’re in a relationship, I do run the risk of a Samantha/Richard situation from Sex and the City, but let’s be honest in all my years of dick handling, there’s only been one that I really couldn’t be in a relationship with. (I started sucking it when it was flaccid and around 3 inches long. I kept expecting it to grow, and it got harder, but not bigger. I didn’t have sex with it).

Plus, you can feel a guy’s dick when you’re kissing them, which I often do, to check size and shape in advance.

I forgot to add to my previous blog post one of the funniest points of the evening, which was when I was giving him a blow job, and he asked me if he had a big dick. I told him now was probably not the best time to ask me such a question. (It was below average). To be honest, given what a fucking idiot he was, I should have just said that, but oh well, maybe he’ll read this blog post and find out…

62f669851b042263aa27ed98a9480d62

How to Date a Feminist

On Friday night I went to see ‘How to Date a Feminist’ at the Arcola Theatre. I’ve just started a programme called ‘The Artist’s Way’, all about releasing your creativity, which involves taking your inner artist on a date once a week. I often go to things alone anyway, as I enjoy (often prefer) my own company, so it didn’t feel weird being by myself.

It opens with the two main characters – Steve proposing to Kate, but Steve has been raised a staunch feminist by his activist mum Morag. So before he can propose he must apologise for the patriarchy, and everything they have done over the years (ancient Greece, FGM, domestic violence, footbinding). Kate seems to find all this a bit excessive and in the end just shouts ‘For fuck’s sake! Propose!’

htdaf

It then goes backwards in time to the night they first met at a fancy dress party. Kate is dressed as Wonder Woman and Steve is dressed as Robin Hood. Because ‘he’s a brilliant ethical hero…he basically invented the welfare state’. Kate thinks the whole point of Wonder Woman is that you can see her pants and Steve explains (mansplains?!) why she’s actually a fantastic role model.  

Kate’s ex, Ross is also at the party, dressed as Superman. When they were still together, he had wanted her to come as Lois Lane, but they broke up because she caught him shagging the intern. Kate tells Steve all this and reveals that she can’t help liking ‘bad men’ – men like Heathcliff from ‘Wuthering Heights’. Steve questions this and doesn’t see the appeal of it. He thinks that Kate should stop ‘liking bad men’, of course implying that she should go for someone like him. 

So in the words of No Doubt ‘Why do we choose the boys that are nasty?’

Because nice guys are known for being boring. Even Jess in ‘New Girl’ is reluctant to date someone because he’s ‘too nice’. Nice doesn’t get women off. But bad guys don’t make for good boyfriends. So where does that leave us?

I think a lot of women have this conflict of wanting a ‘bad man’, because they are more ‘exciting’, but then also wanting a man who will treat you properly. This is definitely something I have experienced. And it seems difficult to find someone who is the perfect mix of half way between the two. But it looks like Steve has gone too far the other way. The first time he and Kate are making out he keeps asking for her permission (May I kiss you? May I kiss you again with my tongue? May I kiss your collarbone?) to the point where it just becomes ridiculous.

Later at their wedding, Kate’s (more traditional) dad and Morag end up kissing and start taking each other’s clothes off. Steve and Kate find them together and Steve just can’t understand why his mum would consensually have her hair pulled, and assumes that Kate’s dad must have forced her into it in some way, because her dad is the sort of man who just ‘takes what he wants’.

Kate and Steve begin to argue and Kate tells Steve that she wants him to take what he wants sometimes – ‘make decisions, choose wine, open doors, drive a car, operate a drill, eat steak! Be a bit rapey when we go to bed’. Steve is especially offended by the last one.

I can see how it must be very confusing for some men, especially very ‘feminist’ men who have been taught all these years not to hurt a woman, yet are met with inner conflict when they find that a lot of women would like to be sexually dominated, to varying extremes. I’ve definitely experienced this, and remember I had sex with one guy a couple of times who was willing to be quite rough, but absolutely refused to slap me in the face, because he just couldn’t do that to a woman. On the flip side, I feel some guys need to remember that just because you are into that kind of sex, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect. 

Despite Steve’s ‘feminism’, it seems in a way he’s just like the men he strives against, because he too cannot comprehend or accept complexities in women. He wants Kate to change, and as a result almost becomes just as controlling as the men who are not self-proclaimed feminists. I wonder what Steve’s character would think about women who choose to use their sexuality, such as porn stars (or pop stars). Steve probably doesn’t watch porn, or if he does, he seeks out ethical feminist porn made by real life couples, and most dsc_0460-1024x652-1000x637definitely can’t reach orgasm if the woman doesn’t look like she’s enjoying it.  

The play also opened up the idea of whether men can be true feminists.  Even Steve ends up shouting at his mum in a slightly threatening way. She tells him ‘You’ll never know how it feels. You’ll never really understand.’ And I think she has a point here, and maybe that’s why Steve has been over-compensating this whole time, because he can’t really imagine what it’s like to be a woman. 

Another thing that annoyed me about Steve is that he still got down on one knee to propose in the traditional way AND gave Kate an engagement ring that he chose. One thing that is a majorly problematic for me about marriage in heterosexual relationships, is that it is almost always men who propose, and women who wear engagement rings (I was delighted recently when met a man who was wearing one that his fiancée had bought him). Steve also says at one point that he wants to rescue Kate, like she’s some sort of archetypal princess in a Disney film.

It was a very funny show, that raised some interesting points about feminism, and the relationships between men and women. Both actors were outstanding, especially the way that they seamlessly moved between different characters. I particularly liked when they skipped down the aisle to ‘Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding Through the Glen’. Plus the fact that Kate’s suggestion was Kate Bush’s ‘Wuthering Heights’, and she wanted to act out being let at in a window. Some of you may know how obsessed I am with this song – I think I may have laughed particularly loudly at this point. (If I ever do end up getting married, I will be using this idea…)

I guess ultimately it’s important to have a balance, not to be like Ross, Kate’s ex, who only sees Kate in very reductionist terms, (basically just wants her for sex, and keeps trying to get her to write lifestyle pages instead of more serious journalism),  but not going so far the other way that you view women as needing to be mollycoddled or ‘saved’. And I think this balance can come from more men starting to treat women as people, with complex thoughts and behaviours, rather than just as women.

‘How to date a Feminist’ was at The Arcola Theatre 22nd Nov – 17th Dec 2016, written by Samantha Ellis and starring Tom Berish and Sarah Daykin

 

Date with an older man (Fleabag, pizza, and murder)

Okay so he wasn’t THAT old. He was 37. But given that I almost exclusively go for men in their twenties, he was fucking ancient in comparison. We met on Tinder and had been chatting for about a week. We arranged to meet at King’s Cross on Wednesday at 2pm and go for coffee. He lives in Hertfordshire so he got the train down to meet me.

I may not have turned up at 2pm. God the Piccadilly line at the moment. Not sure how it’s going to run a night service when it can’t even run a bloody day service. The fact I left my house at around 1.55 has nothing to do with this. Anyway he waited for me by the Christmas tree and when I first saw him I didn’t get that panic feeling to turn around and walk away in the other direction that I often get with internet dates.

That morning I had phoned the Soho Theatre to find out how to go about getting a ticket for Fleabag, and if I could queue for returns on Thursday. They said it depends, but that there was an extra performance happening that day that wasn’t sold out, so I should come down at 3pm to get a ticket! So I basically turned up to my internet date at 2.25 and told him we were going to see a play. He seemed slightly unsure at first but then warmed to the spontaneity of the idea.

On the way to the theatre we talked about life and work. He is a self-employed digital designer, I think he owns his own home, and generally seems to have his shit together. This was very new territory for me. When we got there I tried to pay for my own ticket, but he insisted on paying and put in his card for £50 for both tickets like it was nothing.

We also talked a bit about internet dating. He said he’s been on some good ones, but that it’s usually him who doesn’t want to see them again because there wasn’t enough there. Then he told me a story about how his brother’s wife’s sister’s best friend (or something similar) had been murdered on a Tinder date by a lawyer in a hotel.  It wasn’t very widely reported in national press, but of course the Daily Mail picked up on it. And people wonder why lawyers have a reputation for being untrustworthy.

We discussed how you can be spending time with someone and just not know what they are really like. All you have to go on is your intuition. I postulated as to whether she’d had any bad feeling about him, but ignored her instinct and went to the hotel anyway, which we’ll never know. I wonder if he tells this story on all his Tinder dates as a warning to women not go home with men if you have any doubts – but the problem is psychopaths are naturally charming and that’s how they trick people.

As for the play, it was much more intimate seeing Phoebe Waller-Bridge in front of me on a stage, after watching the show on TV. You get to see a lot more physicality in the play and how versatile she is, as she plays the part of other characters as well. Her delivery is impressive – good punchlines become hilarious because of the way she says them.  It was a bit darker than the TV show, as she says she always wants to go darker. I forgot that she kills the guinea pig in the play and have to admit even I was a little bit shocked.

I did prefer the TV version, but I think that’s like when you read a book before seeing a film or vice versa. (My date started watching the TV show afterwards and said he preferred the play). In the play she’s addressing the audience, but in the sitcom she has to break the fourth wall to do this, something I love watching. I also missed the visuals involving the other characters, e.g.  when the man at the bus stop opens his mouth for the first time, or when she sees the anal sex guy in the shop and pretends she’s buying regular tampons instead of super.

I can definitely relate to Fleabag – I’m not as much of an awful person as she is, but people I know said she reminds them of me, I guess it’s the dark, filthy, ‘bad’ feminist side they are talking about. When she does the long speech at the end about fucking and how she fucks everything literally and metaphorically, and it’s sort of a cry for help; a recognition that she’s fucking to fill some kind of void, it resonated with me and I actually got a bit emotional, and then I thought fuck that, and wiped the tears away before my date could see them.

Afterwards, my date and I sat in the bar and I ordered a pizza (pepperoni and red chillies). It came with onions sprawled all over it, despite not being mentioned on the menu, so I spent the next few minutes picking them off (anyone who knows me knows I woke up one day in the mid 2000s and suddenly couldn’t eat them anymore). I let my date have some of the pizza, and we talked about the play and various other things.

He said he doesn’t really like stand-up comedy, which I can weirdly kind of understand, although he did do that whole ‘you’re so brave I could never do it’ shit that us comedians hear on a regular basis. He then did quite a funny rant about not understanding how bicycles stay balanced and planes stay in the air, and then we wondered about boats for a bit. Why don’t they sink?! Phoebe Waller-Bridge wandered past a few times and I almost went to talk her, but didn’t and then wished I had. This is unlike me, usually I would just go for it, but there just didn’t seem to be a good moment. But oh well. That ship has sailed. It’s all Waller under the Bridge. I bet she gets that all the time. Okay I’ll stop now.

Anyway it was a fun and random afternoon, he seemed like a really nice, genuine guy, but ultimately I don’t think we had enough chemistry to see each other again. We texted a bit afterwards (mainly about Fleabag) but I didn’t reply to the last message (there was no question) and he didn’t pursue it. I did tell him about my blog, so he might be reading this…Well at least I didn’t get murdered, and I got to see Fleabag. Result.

The end

23 things I hate about the Tory

I wasn’t sure whether to post this or not, but on Sunday night I messaged the Tory to ask him what he thought of my blog about him (yes I know, why do I still need his validation?!) and told him I was thinking about putting up the list of things I hate about him, and asked if it was too far. He said, and I quote: ‘Nah! Do it… It’s great. It’s all the feedback relationships lack!’

So he can’t say I didn’t warn him.

I suspect that he secretly likes all this attention and I’m just feeding his power trip, but publicly criticising him is also fun for me and helps me with closure. So win win. When Destiny’s Child sang said ‘you know I’m not gonna diss you on the Internet, cos my mumma taught me better than that’, well they clearly never dated a Tory twat. Plus my mother still doesn’t quite understand what the internet is, and therefore she wasn’t able to teach me how to be a better person on it. 

I know this is supposed to be a list of things I hate, but some of them are more things that would be annoying in a relationship, so it makes me feel better that I’m not dating him. I think only a couple of them are really mean… Anyway, here goes…

  1. He’s a Tory
  2. He voted Brexit
  3. He can’t eat gluten (which might have got annoying after a while in terms of cooking, takeaways etc)
  4. He told me that he can’t cook very well (never got to find out how bad it is)
  5. He’s not very cool (and doesn’t seem to care – wait that’s actually sort of cool in a way…damn)
  6. He has issues with pride
  7. He lives quite far away
  8. He’s got financial problems
  9. He’s not that good a kisser (I know this is probably the harshest one – too much tongue, not enough lips – there I said it…)
  10. He said he doesn’t like books / reading that much
  11. He wants to get married and have kids eventually (and I don’t)
  12. He won’t eat halal food (because it’s unnecessarily ‘cruel to animals’ – but the British farming industry isn’t…right…So yeah we never could have gone to Wood Green Nandos)
  13. He’s not as sexually open as I am
  14. He messed me around
  15. He doesn’t want to date me
  16. He’s annoying
  17. He does weird faces sometimes
  18. He really knows how to drag out a joke
  19. He would randomly leave whatsapp conversations and not finish them later
  20. He’s posh (although the posh accent was kinda sexy)
  21. He words were as inconsistent as his bowling skills – he would sometimes contradict himself about certain things 
  22. He used to call me ‘angel’ which I liked in a way, but found it very condescending and patronising when he used in relation to making plans (or not making plans as the case turned out to be)
  23. He has weird nipples (save the best ‘til last)

So there’s my list. And I can definitely recommend this exercise as something to do after a breakup.

As for what he thought of the previous blog – he said it was very good and (quite) funny. Not that I care or anything…And if anyone is wondering about his side of the story, he also said it was pretty accurate and that nothing was unfair in it. 

Not sure he will think the same about this one. But fuck it. He had it coming. And it’s too late now…

My Own Hard Brexit

Last week on Thursday the 3rd of November, the Tory rang me to say we should ‘knock it on the head’ because he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. 5 years’ ago on the exact SAME DATE the guy I was seeing at the time came over to tell me that he didn’t want us to date anymore. That’s WEIRD right?! I mean WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! I don’t know. Even google doesn’t have an answer. Also this blog has basically taken almost as long to write as the whole ‘relationship’, but I think that’s because I had a lot to say. 

I knew this was going to happen. This is why I didn’t want to date. I just wanted to stay in my single little bubble occasionally having sex while getting on with my life. And then I met the Tory twat and he ruined it just like the Tories ruin everything. I only wanted to have sex with him at first, because it was so wrong it turned me on, but then I ended up actually liking him as a person, and that’s when it all went downhill from there, and I learnt that you should never date someone who voted leave because they will just end up leaving you. 

So after our bowling ‘date’, he went a bit quiet on me and ‘forgot’ that we had made plans to see each other the next week, and the more I tried to see him, the more he backed away. To cut a long story short, we did arrange to meet again, initially on 4th November, which I then changed to 5th November so we wouldn’t have to get up early the next day, but he wasn’t really texting me that much, so I kind of sensed that he wasn’t into it anymore but I was basically too much of a pussy to end it myself.

He said on the phone that we shouldn’t keep seeing each other because he already knew he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend and it was unfair to carry it on, especially not to meet up on Fireworks night because it’s such a couply thing to do. When I asked him why basically kept saying that we were too different, and I was too into sex, and some other reasons I didn’t really understand  like apparently sometimes I don’t seem interested in stuff he’s saying, which I totally disagreed with. He hadn’t thought that we were dating until I said we were on our bowling date, despite the fact that we were clearly ON A DATE. He just thought that it was a casual arrangement.

Anyway I was out, and it was totally the wrong time to talk, and I couldn’t hear everything he was saying, but basically may have slightly pleaded with him to still see me on the Saturday because ‘I really liked him and wanted us to have fun together’. HEAD DESK.

He insisted that it was over, but he also said I could call him again if I wanted to talk about anything which really confused me. WHY DID HE WANT ME TO CALL HIM?! I left the conversation not really understanding what had happened and thinking that maybe he had got scared the way men do sometimes when you get a bit too close to them.

I’ve had lots of casual sex in the past and probably would have been okay with it being a casual thing if I had known from the start that’s all it could ever be, but the problem was from my perspective it had the feeling of the beginning of a relationship due to things that he did and said, and this it what confused me.

He gave so many mixed messages that made me think that he did like me in that way and see us maybe dating. For example, talking about things we could do together in the future, even if it was just jokey like how we were gonna tidy my flat together, or how he was gonna turn me soppy, or that we should go out for dinner before we had sex the first time so we’re ‘more invested’ (I ended up cooking dinner instead).  He was also very physically affectionate and we held hands on the street. 

Also he once walked 10 MILES to see me. I thought this was really romantic but then I remembered this was before we had sex and if Peep Show has taught me anything it’s that men will do and say ANYTHING to get laid.

But all this meant that I mistook certain things that he said for typical male commitment-phobia, because I’ve seen that happen so many times before. So when he said he thought we were fuck buddies, or when he said he didn’t like making firm plans I misinterpreted this as fear. Of course a leave supporter wouldn’t be into making a plan.*

Anyway, like an optimistic remain voter hoping for a second referendum, I thought that maybe if I just said the right things that he would stop freaking out. I even texted my long term ex for advice and he said, ‘Just tell him to think of your relationship like austerity and that it’s a relationship with cut backs’.

On Sunday 6th November I decided to call him. I didn’t tell any of my friends I was going to do this as I knew that they would say it was a bad idea. But I’m so glad that I did.

I guess the main idea of the call was to undo all the stuff I did on Thursday when I had been really needy and still trying to get him to see me. I thought if I called him out on the freak out then told him I would give him some space to come back to me when he was ready then maybe there was still a chance that he would date me.

This is the opposite of what happened, but now at least I understand that it was doomed from the beginning. Which is both frustrating and oddly freeing at the same time.

I got him to explain more about why he feels we are too different and I realised the more we talked that I think he has a bit of Madonna/Whore Complex going on in that basically I’m too sexual to be girlfriend material.

I think that when we first met he was intrigued by me and liked the idea of exploring some kinky stuff and acted a bit more sexually confident/adventurous than he actually is, maybe to impress me or whatever. 

I also think that sometimes when he reacted with nonchalance to certain things that I told him it was more that he didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t into that or cool with it. But really he’s the sort of guy who pays the stripper not to take her clothes off (I think he has actually done this), and I’m the first woman to ever send him a picture of my tits. 

He said that when he does have a girlfriend that he wants to be able to bring them into his whole life with his friends and family etc and he couldn’t do that with me. I pushed him to explain why…’Am I too loud? Or is it because I’m not posh?’

‘No, it’s not really that, it’s more that you’re a bit… coarse.’

Ah.

Well I’ve never been called that before.

It also turns out he thought me sucking that straw was a bit vulgar. Not too vulgar to fuck me of course, but too vulgar to date me. I guess the Tory twat wasn’t worth it after all. 

At least he didn’t give me that bullshit cliched ‘I just don’t want a girlfriend right now’ excuse that I hate when some men do. No, he was very clear about the fact he didn’t want ME as his girlfriend. No sugar-coating here. 

I wish that he didn’t think or feel like this, but ultimately I don’t want to be with someone who still has these old-fashioned views of women. The thing is I find a lot of men are not totally comfortable with women’s sexuality, and I can’t help but feel there is some ingrained sexism going on here.

For example, my long term ex really didn’t like the fact that I had slept with other comedians he knew on the circuit before we met, yet I was totally fine with the fact he had had sex with a comedian that I know and get along really well with.

I feel like so many men feel like this though and I wonder whether I will ever meet a man who totally gets me and is not threatened by this side of me. Maybe after 16 long years of dating men it’s time to finally start dating women? Either that or just be alone forever.

I told him about how I had got mixed messages from him and I felt that he had messed me around (you know like not texting me for a week), and he said he was sorry about leading me on. I told him he shouldn’t be allowed to date again. But seriously, I hope that he does learn from this and is a bit more aware in future about other people’s feelings, and not acting in such a relationshippy way if a relationship is totally off the table.

I said that at least I didn’t have to change his name in my phone because from the first night I met him it was already saved as (First name) Tory Dickhead (Last Name). He thought this was funny and we laughed about it for a bit. Oh how we laughed. DICKHEAD.

I don’t even know why I liked him that much. He’s not even that cool. He likes Robbie Williams. SERIOUSLY. And he can’t eat gluten. So now every time I eat gluten now I think about how he doesn’t deserve gluten and it makes me smile. And I made a list of 10 things I hate about him to make myself feel better. Well it was supposed to be 10 like the film, but it ended up being 19. Wait, 20. I mean it just keeps getting longer and longer. My favourite is number 18 – he really knows how to drag out a joke…(I’m well aware this blog post is half the length of my University dissertation). Another plus point is this will give me more material for my Edinburgh show. I was wavering about whether to still do a solo show or not. But pain is a great inspiration for creativity. And of course the comedy’s more important…

It was interesting (and at times frustrating) to spend time with someone whose political views were so different from mine, because whenever I tried to question him on a Conservative policy he wouldn’t give me a good enough answer. For example, after he went to see ‘I, Daniel Blake’ I asked him if he felt bad now for voting Tory but he said no because claiming JSA under a Labour government was just as nightmarish, and that it has always been a ‘ghastly system’, but I don’t think he realises how much worse it is now.

I think a lot of people, including him are not informed enough or just don’t see or refuse to see how different it is now, and how many more unfair changes have happened since we have had a Tory government, such as the bedroom tax, DLA cuts, and now the housing benefit rent cap.

I’m not a politician so I don’t necessarily know how I would save the money that we need because it’s not my job to (although here’s an idea -getting companies to actually pay corporation tax would be a start), but I certainly don’t think that it should come from the poorest in society. That doesn’t make any sense. But I think that a lot of people ignore all these facts and/or just don’t care, because they are so convinced that the Tories will make the country better overall. And yes, it’s true I didn’t know the name of the leader of the EU until he told me, so maybe we all need to learn a bit more about who and what we are voting for. 

Towards the end of our phone call I also told him  that in no universe ever should it be him who doesn’t want to date me – it should be the other way round – because I’m better than him at EVERYTHING. He laughed and said this was arrogant. But it’s probably true. Except cunnilingus. He was surprisingly good at that…Damn, just stroked his ego one last time. Well at least now I don’t have to pretend I’m interested in everything he is saying…

It’s really hard when someone rejects you, especially when you thought it was going somewhere. But I should just get used to disappointment. 48% of me is still a bit annoyed and upset, but 52% of me knows that it’s for the best. I guess we’ll always have The Lion and The Unicorn, Kentish Town…and whenever I hear this song I will think of him, not fondly. But I’ll think of him.

*credit to Tara Molineux for this joke