Goodbye Monogamy Hello Polyamory

When I was younger, I just assumed that all romantic relationships were monogamous, and that as soon as you had the boyfriend / girlfriend conversation you would only be with that person. Because that’s the reality that society, TV, and the film industry sells to you.

I did have a couple of relationships in my early 20s where my boyfriends would ‘let me’ do stuff with women – presumably as they weren’t threatened by them (I don’t tend to date women – a blog on that coming soon), and also one of them liked us having threesomes with other women. But I wasn’t really allowed to do anything with other men. This was a massive double standard on that guy’s part since I would literally let him fuck other women in front of me. But anyway…

I think I’ve actually always been polyamorous. Around that time of late teens / early 20s, I was unfaithful in a few relationships, and although I knew logically it would hurt the other person, I also didn’t see why I couldn’t be with two people at the same time.

When a boyfriend cheated on me at the age of 19, I was a bit annoyed, but not massively. I went to visit him to try and ‘sort things out’, we all went for a went for a walk, and me and the other woman swam in fucking sea together in the middle of the night. Didn’t even try to drown her once.

She did tell me I could slap her in the face at one point when I was talking to her in her room (they lived in the same block), and I did, and I enjoyed it. But that might just be the kinky side of me. In terms of jealousy, I don’t think I felt what society told me I was supposed to feel. If anything I found the jealousy kind of hot. (The story of me and him in general is far more complicated than I have space for here – but I thought that anecdote was relevant to mention).

The boyfriend I dated for a year and a half, 2014 – 2016,  was very much into monogamy to the point where he said that if I even kissed anyone else, male or female, he would break up with me. This took me to new extremes of monogamy – on a female friend’s birthday night out, she went to snog me, as we often did while drunk, and I had to literally stop her and apologise that I couldn’t do it anymore. (Yes I could have just kissed her anyway and not told him, but I didn’t).  

I did start to wonder whether monogamy was for me, and whether I wanted to live with all these restrictions in my relationships. After that relationship ended I decided I wanted to be monogamish. Where you are mostly with one person, but you’re allowed to have the occasional kiss or shag etc (using condoms obviously), and it doesn’t have to ruin the relationship.

This came a lot from seeing so many people in relationships cheat on their partners. I’m sure there are some people who are truly monogamous, and would never cheat no matter what the circumstances, like that particular ex, and if that works for you, then great, but I do think total monogamy is unrealistic for a lot of people.

Why can’t we just admit that we find other people attractive and sometimes want to act on that? Instead of pretending you don’t and then making things worse when you deceive someone. I feel like relationships would be a lot better if we were just more honest with each other.

I tried to put this ‘monogamish’ into practice with the ice skating guy, but admittedly I did find it difficult. In theory we were not exclusive, and when he went to Madagascar to stay with a friend he used to fuck, I told him it would be okay if he wanted to have sex with her. And I did mean it, and would have been fine with him doing it, however in practice, when I was faced with the opportunity to sleep with other people while he away, I myself turned it down – three times! From two past fucks and one potential new one. Because I actually did feel a bit guilty about it – like it wasn’t the right thing to do while I was dating him.

The potential new one was a guy who I had amazing chemistry with, who was about to move to a different country, and I just know we would have had such great kinky sex, but I didn’t do it. I fucking wish I had now.

After it ended with me and ice skating guy, I vowed never to put all my eggs in one dickhead again. And not just aim for monogamish, but more like full blown non monogamy or polyamory. Potentially dating  / seeing several people at once. Not only because you miss out on experiences when you restrict yourself like that, only for them to fucking break up with you anyway. But also to try and quell my habit of getting too attached to one person, scaring them off and getting hurt. I wanted options. Which I think is probably quite an unusual reason for Polyamory, but actually one that seems to be working out quite well. Which I will go on to explain.

Around this time, something that helped me through the feelings after the break up was that I reread The Power of Now. And actually started putting it into practice. It’s basically all about intensely living in the present moment. You can think about the past and learn from it, and you can plan for the future, but you have to remember that all we really have is the now, and that everything else is an illusion. I have a tendency to get carried away with future plans when I like someone, and I think that polyamory is the height of mindfulness, because it doesn’t see relationships in terms of one attachment to one person – it’s more about that particular time you have with that person at that moment in time.

Something that has stuck out in my mind for about 14 years is when I read ‘ A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters’ by Julian Barnes. There’s a chapter called Parenthesis all about love where he quotes a writer called Mavis Gallant who said ‘The mystery of what a couple is exactly, is almost the only true mystery left to us.’ At the time I didn’t really understand, but as I’ve got older, I’ve come to realise what he meant. Being in a couple is quite a weird thing really. And it’s different for everyone.

But back to being in the moment. Why should you limit yourself?

If you have different friends to go out for drinks with or go to the cinema with, then why can’t you have different people to have romantic and / or sexual experiences with? The thing is that when it comes to sex, some people like to have this possession or ownership over someone else, and that can be where problems arise from.

I also like the idea of a spectrum. So maybe you have lovers that you also have totally non sexual moments with, but also have friends you might share a sexual or flirtatious moment with. Polyamory is more of a way of life with self contained interactions and not trying to get everything from one person. It means that if you’re dating someone who is not into a particular kink that you are, then you can always do that with someone else instead. Polyamory also suits my lifestyle because as a stripper, and a massive flirt, it means I can do all this and not worry about someone getting jealous or possessive.

So a few weeks after I decided I was going to try it out, a guy messaged me on OkCupid and we started chatting. He was in an open relationship and we agreed to meet for a drink. As soon as I saw him I fancied him, plus he was really easy to talk to. We kissed in the pub and were getting along really well. He wasn’t really taking the piss out of me as much as I like, but as soon as I told him that’s my thing, he definitely got into it.

After a few drinks, I got hungry and we went to the shop, got sandwiches and then we broke into a park and ate food, and hung out and chatted more. I told him about one of my kinks (wet and messy fetishism) that I sometimes allude to, or even take part in, but often without having the full deep conversation about it.

I don’t always feel totally comfortable talking about it, but with him I felt like I could. He said he would like to try it with me, and his positive reaction has made me so much more confident in discussing it, in fact I’m writing a whole blog post on the subject. And some jokes.

Anyway, hanging out was really fun, and at one point in the park I’d said part of me wanted to just fuck him there and then, and then he told me about him and his girlfriend’s no penetration rule. (Which is a double shame as he also said he would like to be pegged). In fact not only, do they have a no penetration rule – they actually have a no pants completely off rule, and a no oral rule. Which basically means fingering / hand jobs only.

Ah.

Apparently they are building up to it. They started the open relationship earlier this year as they both fancied people that they work with, so she has a guy from work that she sees regularly, but for him the woman from his work didn’t want to see him in the context of an open relationship. (Hence being on OkCupid looking for someone he could spend time with too).

His girlfriend also sees the wife of the man she is seeing from work, sometimes with him and sometimes without. So it’s an interesting set-up. They also can’t stay over people’s houses either. (They live together).  It’s an odd concept in a way because the whole point of polyamory for me is not to have rules – but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect their rules. Also the fact that we can’t go too far makes it kind of hot. Like an affair without the guilt. Obviously I am hoping in the future that we can do more, but for now I don’t mind the tease.  

The second time I saw him he came over to my flat. And this is where kink really comes in. Because when you can’t fuck, you’ve got to do other stuff. When I told some people he had come round, but that him and his gf have the no penetration and no oral rule – they were like ‘what’s the point?!’ but I can tell you now that I had one of the most fun nights of my life.

We drank wine and played chess. And he suggested that every time one of us loses a piece the other person can ask you to do something. He asked me to show him my tits, then asked me to do role play where I had to dress up like I would as a stripper, but try to talk him into a game of chess instead of a dance – which was both sexy and hilarious at the same time.

I asked him to slap me in the face, and then poured a bottle of water over him #standard. He ended up whipping me and dripping candle wax on me, and then we were asking each other intimate sexual questions, and it went on for so long that we had to just give up on asking for tasks and finish the game.

He forked my king and my queen with his knight, and I lost, which of course only made me more turned on. I ended up playing with my vibrator, and then his dick, and he came all over my tits. Shame it wasn’t on my face, but I think we decided to save that. The next day he texted me saying ‘I hope you’re still annoyed that I beat you at chess’. So. Fucking. Hot.

It’s definitely an unusual experience when someone else is in your ‘relationship’, because it’s literally already their relationship. Like he mentioned that he’d told his girlfriend about my wet and messy fetish, and I was slightly annoyed. But then immediately really turned on that he’d told her something so personal about me.

He said he would like me to meet her at some point, and that might be just hanging out, or it could turn into a threesome – it totally depends. I’m quite curious to meet her actually, and part of me likes the idea of sleeping with her too. Unfortunately he said she’s not that kinky – as the thought of us hurting each other really appeals to me. Perhaps he could just tie me up and fuck her in front of me. I like that idea too.

It’s been a real lesson for me in getting used to seeing someone, but maintaining a distance. Here’s the thing – I really like him – but I don’t spend all my time thinking about him. I don’t get angsty if he doesn’t text back straight way. And of course it means I don’t feel guilty about talking to other guys and setting up dates with them. (I have two this week). I can tell him about my other sexual experiences like when I fucked the 20 year old, and we can talk openly about it.

It also helps that he’s not a frequent texter generally. So he’ll text to arrange meeting or to say he had a good time, and a bit in between for a quick catch up. But the fact that I’m not expecting to hear from him every day, or even every week, has taken the pressure off so much.

I know that he’s thoughtful, and interested in me – he’s listened to podcasts I’ve been on and he reads my blog, but there’s no need to have some perfunctory conversation about how our day went all the time. One of the things that fucked me up with ice skating guy is that he texted so much at the beginning, so it was so noticeable when he didn’t text as much.

Ironically on one of the podcasts I was a guest on in February this year I talked about being monogamish, but not polyamorous as such. I even said that I hate it when guys online in open relationships message you because they want something extra, because I’m thinking I want to be the main person, not the extra. And perhaps that was how I felt about it at the time, but I’ve definitely got a different point of view now. A girl can change her mind, after all.

Being polyamorous has also changed my perspective on other people’s relationships. In the same way I’m training myself not to presume gender, race, sexuality, and so on, as well as not having heteronormative views on sex and ‘virginity’, I’m also not presuming monogamy. Admittedly the two men I was recently interested in who are in relationships, did say they were indeed monogamous when I asked them, (one said he would have been interested in me otherwise, the other one I’m not sure), but you never know. My mother always taught me if you don’t ask, you don’t get. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t talking about polyamorous sex, but the point still stands. 

My ideal situation is probably to have a few people that I see regularly for dates and / or sex / kink. Although I don’t have massive amounts of free time – so not sure how frequent each one could be. Perhaps there’ll be one that will turn into more of a boyfriend / girlfriend type thing, but for me that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop seeing this current guy occasionally as well, (which means obviously they would have to be polyamorous or at least monogamish too). I enjoy his company, and I shouldn’t have to give that up. He’s coming to one of my gigs soon, and I’m looking forward to him telling me which jokes of mine he didn’t find funny afterwards, possibly over a game of chess, and some wine…

Hit the Road, Jack

I went back on OkCupid because in no particular order:

  1. I don’t learn my lessons. 2. Sex.

I started talking to a guy called Jack. I did say to him on our date I don’t tend to use real names on here. But it seemed relevant for the name of this blog. And since I’ll (probably) never see him again, we have no mutual friends, and I don’t even know his last name, I don’t think it matters too much.

We texted quite a lot before meeting, bonding over our mutual love of Peep Show, Venn diagrams, and roller-coasters. He asked me a lot of personal questions before we met (which I don’t mind answering if I get a good vibe from someone). Sometimes it’s quite hard to build flirtation before you meet someone, but he had a good mixture of being able to take the piss out of me, take it back, and be self-deprecating, so I thought we would have good chemistry. 

We met at Wood Green tube station (because I basically only go on dates near where I live) and I was super hungry so we went to Nandos. I did fancy him and within about 15 minutes he had already told me I wasn’t funny, which is probably the hottest thing someone could say to me. I did a podcast interview earlier this year where I talked about this. 

I ordered chicken wings, with two sides, plus halloumi, and avocado, but he’d already had dinner, so only got mango ice cream, and it tasted fucking weird. He agreed it was weird and left a bit. I told him he had to finish it all because I’d fucking paid for it and he did. Because power games are fun.

We were chatting so much that eventually someone came over and said ‘we closed 45 minutes ago’. So where else better to go than the craziness that is the Jolly Anglers pub?

This was a slightly bad decision on my part, as that’s where me and ice skating guy went a couple of times, including on our first date, and it forced to me think of him, and I got a little nostalgic. But it was probably good to get it over with, after all it’s my date place, not our place. I was conscious not to sit in any of the places we had sat together, but I couldn’t resist the urge to sing karaoke again.

I decided to sing Kate Nash Foundations because it’s a great song, and she’s the only person in the world I can do a good impression of. (No more Jennifer Paige, I’ve been burned before). This random drunk guy kept trying to dance with me while I was singing, which meant I spent most of the song trying not to laugh, but did manage to aptly point to him while singing the line ‘oh dear god I hope I’m not stuck with this one’.

Jack seemed to think it was funny and later told me he regretted not singing a song himself. (And that he would have sung Let me Entertain You by Robbie Williams, to which I replied that he also had a song called No Regrets).

We kissed in the pub, and talked a bit about kinky sex, and I remember being quite turned on. He asked to come home with me but I said ‘no’. So he walked me to my door, and after he left me we texted for a bit before going to sleep. On the way home he had mentioned something about going on other dates/dating lots of people, which I thought was a bit odd at the time (surely you don’t need to declare that on the first date). But now I know why he thought that was relevant.

A few days later he text me saying he enjoyed meeting me, but it just got ‘serious’ with someone he’s been dating for a while, so we couldn’t have our second date. I’m not sure why guys tend to use the word ‘serious’ when it comes to dating. What an unsexy word. 

He said he still wants to come to my pub quiz, and then I made an inappropriate shit joke about coming/cumming. We ended the conversation with him sending me pig emojis which was kinda sweet, because I told him before they were the only ones I really like.

🐽🐽🐽🐽

I wonder if he’ll ever come to my quiz (doubtful) or if I’ll get a text from him in the future when he’s single again (possible).

It’s a shame that I didn’t just fuck him that night, as I think it would have been a lot of fun, even if it was just a one off. I probably would have done it if he’d said ‘look I’m about to get into a monogamous relationship, this is your only fucking chance’. But hey, no regrets, right?

Featured road image by Teddy Kelley on Unsplash

 

So how did you two meet?

One of my friends, who has mostly dated people from OkCupid, asked me recently whether I thought I would meet someone IRL, and if that’s even possible now. So I decided to make a pie chart of all the men I’ve dated/had sex with since University and how I met them. The good news is that most of them I did meet in real life. The bad news is that almost a third of them are comedians.

pie-chart-2

Some extra facts for you:

One of the men in ‘comedy’ was a non comedian, but he was friends with a comedian and we met when he was in the audience at one of my gigs (the only time I’ve ever dated an audience member)
The one on holiday was coincidentally friends with a comedian I know
The one from the bar was working behind the bar
The one from the dating event was also working behind the bar
‘Other’ was this guy I met at Erotica one year, who was helping his dad sell Botox

Comedy

Comedy seems to be the main way for me to meet someone, but now I’m not as keen to date another comedian. It was new and exciting at first dating fellow comics, and getting to meet so many new men, but now I’m kind of over that, and want comedy to be my thing, rather than our thing. I’m obviously not going to rule it out, but that’s just my preference.

I do wish that more male audience members would chat to me after gigs though, and not just to say ‘I don’t usually find women funny, but you were great’, I mean actually chat to me. I did a gig the other week and made eye contact with a man both while I was on stage, and afterwards from across the room, but a few minutes later when I was going to find him to talk to him, he had left.

I’ve heard a lot of female comedians say that they don’t get hit on by audience members, possibly because some men find it intimidating. Perhaps in my case men are scared off by my kinky sex jokes. But if that’s the case then it’s good they find out sooner rather than later. 

A few months ago I did sort of get offered a threesome after a gig in Buckinghamshire – there was a couple, and the woman was trying to get me to go out with them afterwards, and then said I could stay at their house, but she was really drunk and I couldn’t tell exactly what the situation was. The 21-year-old me would have stayed out with them anyway and just seen what happened, but I just really wanted to go home to my own bed and sleep. Clearly I’m not young or cool enough to have threesomes anymore. 

Through friends

Through friends is clearly by my statistics also a great way to meet men, but this has almost always ended badly for me, so I’m a bit reluctant to try that route again. Having said that if you’re my friend and you have any friends you think I’d be a good match with, that I haven’t already dated and/or fucked, then let me know.

The problem with online dating

One of the many problems I have with dating is time. In that I probably don’t actually have enough time to date even though I want to, and this is amplified when it comes to online dating. If I’ve met someone already in real life and I already know I like them, then I’m way more likely to make time to meet up with them, but if it’s just someone I’ve been talking to online, even if I think we might get along, then it’s hard for me to sacrifice time I would spend with myself or seeing friends, to meet them.

I cancelled a date today as I needed time to write a monologue to submit to something as the deadline is Friday. But if I’d already met him and knew I liked him then I might have been more willing to try and do both in one day. (I am half way through the monologue and now I have writer’s block on what to write next. Hence writing this blog).

What I’d really like

I wish more guys would talk to me in real life, and I don’t mean the man that said ‘hey baby’ at 11pm the other night on the street. I wish guys would talk to me in coffee shops, or at bars, after my gigs, or in the supermarket. I hate the fact that this happens all the time in films but never actually happens in life.

And before anyone says that I can make a move first – I do sometimes (both in real life and online) and it’s usually met with horror, disinterest, or initial interest leading to fear because I’m interested, and so ultimately disinterest.

Maybe when I find a guy who does genuinely like a woman making the first move (not just says they do), that will be my ideal man and we will fall in love and have hundreds of babies. (JOKE).

So why don’t men talk to us in public?

Perhaps because women are more vocal about sexual harassment now, men are scared of being accused of this, so some of them just avoid talking to us altogether. Weirdly this hasn’t stopped actual sexual harassment. But there’s a big difference between starting a friendly conversation with a women and seeing if she wants to talk too, and being that annoying guy who won’t leave her alone.

Perhaps another reason is because a lot of the time I don’t make an effort. I’m pretty low maintenance. I often don’t wear any make up. Sometimes I don’t wash my hair, and dry shampoo is not as effective as I want it to be. Basically I look rough as fuck about 50% of the time.

Yesterday I put on some make-up and did my hair, wore one of my favourite dresses, and a necklace everyone seems to love. I went to host my Tuesday night quiz. One of the teams drew a heart on their answer sheet with ‘quizmaster’ inside it, I was bought a drink anonymously by an ‘Irish guy’ (that’s all the barmaid would tell me), and I caught a random guy at the bar checking me out. 

So maybe if I want to be chatted up like in the movies, I need to look more like I could be in the movies, not like I just woke up and couldn’t give a shit (even though some guys do find that look more sexy). I guess part of this also has to do with feeling more confident about myself, and therefore coming across as more attractive. 

The last reason is that a lot of the good ones are taken. I was standing at a bar the other night ordering pizza and briefly spoke to a cute guy. Then the bar person handed him two drinks and he walked away. Bye cute guy who probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend. 

What now?

Dating myself has been going well. I went for pizza alone the other day and had a great time, as I didn’t have to talk to anyone else. In terms of meeting someone, I am going to make an effort to approach men in real life regardless, I will re-arrange that internet date I had to cancel, and I’m going to go to some dating events this year (and hopefully it won’t just be the barman I fancy this time). 

Top image from izquotes

Men are a Distraction (Flaky Chris, Horny Nathan, and Sexual Harassment)

I decided that in order to attract a relationship, I needed to give off more of a relationship vibe on OkCupid, so I re-answered a couple of questions, added ‘no hookups’ to my profile, took off some of the sexier pics (which I shouldn’t have to do but I thought ‘okay I’ll play the game’), and added some ‘look how much of a fun girlfriend I would be’ pics. It hasn’t really made much difference to the quality of messages I’ve been receiving, but at least if the right guy does come across it, then it will be clearer to them. 

There was a guy called Chris I’d been talking to since December, and after my decision to look for dating rather than sex, I told him about this, and he said he was still interested in us meeting up.

We arranged to meet on a Wednesday afternoon in a cool cafe on Brick Lane. I got there at 4.40 (only ten minutes late for once!!) and text him saying I was there. He replied saying he’d thought he messaged me to change it to 5.30.

WHAT?!

I said ‘okay I’ll just chill in the cafe and listen to a podcast’. Then at ten past 5 he sends me this:`

chris-2

Then he said I was the first person he’d stood up ‘unintentionally’! Apparently people just go around doing this, yet I once turned up to a date just to tell the guy I didn’t want to go on a date with him. Which I think is the right thing to do.

I joked about him flaking due to not wanting to be on my blog, and he said actually he’d quite like to be on my blog, and I said it was too late, and he’ll always just be Flaky Chris now. I’m aware his wish has still come true. (Be careful what you wish for, Chris).

We chatted on Whatsapp for a bit and he said he’d still like to meet me, and because I keep forgetting that I’M AN AMAZING WOMAN WHO SHOULD STOP GOING FOR IDIOTS WHO AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, I said ‘well okay, you can come to my gig on Saturday’, because I have to be there anyway, so it doesn’t matter if you turn up or not.

I thought about if for a few days, and then decided that I didn’t want Flaky Chris to come. Yes it can be fun having a date at your gig, but it’s also annoying in a way. It was different when Tory1 came to see me, because I’d already met him, but it still took away from me a little. I did a gig last week run by the same people who had been at Date with a Tory, and one of them said it was good to watch me perform without being distracted by him. I just did jokes about him instead. 

So I told Flaky Chris not to come to my gig, as it was my first of the year, and I needed to focus on the comedy. #TheComedysMoreImportant

Now if I’d been really clever in the first place, I would have given him the details of another gig to go to that I wasn’t going to be at, and he would have gone there, and I could have got my revenge. But sadly I didn’t think that quickly. 

Anyway, Flaky Chris then asked if he could come to the next gig after that, and I said some friends might be coming (which was sort of true). He kept messaging me, so I eventually replied and asked him how his weekend was, and got a reply I was not expecting.

He told me he’d been doing a parasite cleanse, and that he was disappointed he’d ‘shit out a worm but most of them are to (sic) small to see’…

I purposefully tapered off the conversation after that, and that was the end of Flaky Chris and his flaky parasites. 

But let’s talk about Horny Nathan…

Nathan was another one who I’d been talking to online since December. I asked him about what he was looking for, and he said just a casual thing at the moment. I said that wasn’t really what I was after, and told him about my bad experience. He agreed that even casual sex still needs some sort of connection and intimacy, and I thought ‘well we all have needs’, maybe I could try it again with someone different.

But we carried on chatting and the more we chatted, the less I was interested in meeting him. He always seemed to be telling me he was horny and his sexting style was a little strange. Not only did he lack imagination, but he’d often put a winky face after something blatantly sexual.

For example:

Feel the inside of your pussy all over my cock 😉

Why is there a winky face after that?

It reminded me of a song by a comedian called Lucy Cox where she sang, ‘winky face means sex’. Winky face is something you use after innuendo to make it extra clear there was a bit of flirting going on. 

When you’re already talking about sex, there’s no need to confirm that you were talking about sex! Also I don’t mind chatting a bit about sex before you meet someone, maybe just to work out compatibility, but when that’s the main topic, I get bored of being just your wanking material.

He was mostly only messaging late at night (oh I wonder why), but one time we were daytime chatting and he suggested us meeting to have sex. I reiterated what I’d said in the past to him about going for a drink with NO EXPECTATIONS just to see if we got along, which he’d seemed to be fine with a couple of weeks ago, but not anymore.

nathanscreenshot-2

Why are people going to other people’s houses that they’ve met online without meeting in public first?

Of course I’m very aware that you can still be raped and/or murdered by someone you’ve met in a public place, and then gone back with later (remember that Tinder hotel story one of my Tinder dates told me), and I’m also aware that most rapes and murders are carried out by someone you know.

However, I do think that meeting someone first, and getting a sense of what they are like before you go home with them is the most sensible thing to do in this situation, but clearly he doesn’t have the patience for this.

I also don’t understand the assumption that you’re definitely going to fancy each other. Even if someone looks attractive in their pics, I think a lot of us have been on dates where the pics might as well have been of a different person. When you’re in a pub, it’s not quite as difficult to leave prematurely, but once you’re at someone’s house, that’s a lot more awkward.

Anyway, Horny Nathan hasn’t replied since then. He’s probably still horny and most likely wanking right now. 

But moving on to more important things…

I think I’m a fairly chilled feminist socialist. I don’t tend to rant about feminism or politics that much online, other than sharing the odd piece here and there. I’ve never been to a march, or a protest before, and probably wouldn’t have gone on Saturday even if I didn’t have other plans.* Because effort. And crowds. Okay I’m basically a lazy feminist. I’ll like your social media posts with all the witty placards and signs, but actually go along myself? No chance.

But something happened to me on Saturday that made me think maybe I do need to be a bit more proactive. And it seemed all the more telling that it happened on the same day as the Women’s March, and Trump’s inauguration. I went to my friend’s birthday drinks in the evening, and had a really good time, and I was walking home from the tube probably around 11.30pm.

In a very short space of time after exiting the station I had 3 different men saying things like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘sexy’ to me. I was annoyed, but I was cold, and wanted to get home, and the lazy feminist in me couldn’t be bothered to say anything. But then a few minutes later, I realised three men were walking behind me, one of them made a weird noise, the sort you would use to try and summon an animal, and another one said something about me, I can’t remember what it was but it made me feel uncomfortable, and was an unwanted distraction to my journey home.

The culmination of all these events meant that I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. In the past I’ve shouted at guys or told them to ‘fuck off’, but this time I decided to talk to them about it, in a calm way, without losing my temper. 

I turned around and told them that it wasn’t appropriate to do that to a woman walking on her own late at night, and that they should have more respect. One of them tried to argue that some women like it and that it was a compliment.

As we walked down the street, I tried to explain that most women I know don’t like it, and they’ve probably just never told them.

And yes, sometimes I like sexual attention from men, of course I can admit that, but it’s all about context. And this was the wrong context. It’s not nice to feel outnumbered and intimidated.

The one who made the noises kept asking me questions like ‘where are you going now?’, I told him this was inappropriate too, and the men laughed at this (not in a good way), and couldn’t understand what was wrong about what they were doing.

I went on to say that they’ve probably never felt scared that they might be attacked or assaulted walking by themselves, but that’s how women feel sometimes, and especially at night time they should just leave us alone. But no matter what I said, they just didn’t seem to get where I was coming from, and it made me so angry and upset that they couldn’t see it from my point of view. 

So now we have a President of the United States who doesn’t seem to care about consent or women’s rights, or anything that makes logical sense. A President who would probably would take the side of these men who thought it was okay to harass me on my way home. 

I won’t even apply for a job where I don’t meet one of the points on the person specification, yet Trump acts like he never even read the job description. And yes maybe Hillary wasn’t the best option either, but at least she was qualified for the role, and didn’t go around saying it was okay to grab men’s dicks without their permission. But so many people were too distracted by Trump’s incredibly unconventional approach to running for president to see through his bullshit. It seemed like the more controversial he was, the more support he got.

I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media saying that democracy happened and people should get over it, yet I keep thinking about the fact that Hillary actually got more votes than Trump. More people wanted her to be president. If this had happened in Brexit there would have been outrage.** ‘Oh we know you got 1,269,501 more votes, but sorry babes some votes are worth more than others’.

Saturday night was another reminder that a lot of men in the world just don’t respect women, not enough to turn up for a date, not enough to want us for more than just sex, not enough to criticise a female politician intelligently without resorting to gender based remarks, not enough to support our reproductive rights, and not enough to let us walk home in peace without feeling the need to comment on the way we look. 

What can we do about it?

What I said to those guys probably didn’t make any difference, but maybe if the next woman says something to them, and the woman after that, maybe if we keep challenging this behaviour, eventually things will improve. I don’t know. And I understand why most women would put their heads down and just keep walking, because there is a real risk of something awful happening to you. But I’m not going to stop challenging it. And I might even go to a women’s march next time. I can use my new found love of arts and crafts to make a good banner.

And what about dating?

I just keep finding that men are a distraction, and not just the ones you like either. The ones you don’t like are a distraction too. The time you spend checking online messages and profiles in the vague hope there will be a decent one there.

It annoyed me that I’d wasted an afternoon waiting for some guy who didn’t have the basic capability to organise his day properly. (I’d even been willing to overlook the fact that he often made really bad spelling and grammar errors on text, despite good grammar being one of my favourite things, as he said he was dyslexic).

If I think about my happiest times, a lot of them are when I was single and didn’t have any guys on my mind. So yeah it would be nice to have a partner to go to the next Winter Wonderland with, but I’m just going to try and not put too much attention into it, just check the apps every now and then, and meet people that seem cool, but not waste too much time messaging, or agree to meet guys I already know I won’t be compatible with.

At the beginning of this month, I wanted to go on a date every week, and basically treat it like a numbers game, but someone pointed out to me that I was turning it into project, and this might not be the best approach, and I agree. What I really would like is to meet someone in real life, and this seems so rare now, but I’m also going to keep going to cool and interesting places and see what happens.

Maybe I’ll find someone to be my boyfriend this year, and maybe I won’t, but in the meantime I’m dating myself. I’m going to be my own best boyfriend. Take myself on dates, cook myself great food, watch movies with myself, maybe use my vibrator a bit more often, and cuddle myself…yeah that last one is weird, I guess I can use my teddy or new piggy for that instead.

*I was watching one of my female friends in the Musical Comedy Awards heat- so in a way I was still supporting the cause

**Side note – let’s not forget that the outcome of the referendum was supposed to be advisory, yet I suspect even with the fact there now has to be a vote in parliament, there’s nothing we can do to stop Brexit now, and even Jeremy Corbyn seems to want it (just put us all out of our misery Jez and admit you secretly voted leave)

My new piggy:

piggy

Why I gave up casual sex

I re-joined OkCupid a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why. I think I was probably bored. Or maybe I just wanted some attention. I guess I thought maybe it would help me get laid. ‘Why do I need help getting laid?’ I hear you ask – well there were a few guys I know that I could probably have sex with, but for whatever reason, I’d made the decision not to – maybe I didn’t fancy them enough, or maybe I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction (you know who you are), or maybe a bit of both.

OkCupid is different to Tinder in that anyone can message you, even if you don’t have a match, so as a woman looking for men, you get inundated, mostly from men who make you recoil in horror and/or can’t string a sentence together. After spending a lot of time deleting messages, blocking guys, and despairing at the world, you start getting a few half decent guys messaging you. I started talking to one, a student architect. He was 26, looked kind of cute in his pics, and it said something on his profile about how he was looking for a girl to corrupt him. Just my type, I thought.

We moved to WhatsApp, and talked over Christmas. It was discussed that we might go home together if meeting up went well, then he started sending me really weird questions such as:

‘Are you good at sex?’

‘Was that (bikini pic on my profile) recent?’ – I told him it was from 2014 so it was followed up with ‘Still got a slim body?’

‘How tall are you?’

‘What’s the height of the mattress on your bed?’

‘Have you got nice feet, do you think?’

‘Are these questions too weird?’

And then finally my favourite of them all:

screenshot_20170104-202235-2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DO I LIKE FOREPLAY??!!!

I was transported back to my younger days when I didn’t realise why sex didn’t feel that good because I (and some of the guys I was with) didn’t know that you’re supposed to spend lots of time on the pussy (and other places) before you stick your dick in it. I told him I like having my nipples pulled (hard) and being slapped in the face. He said he probably wouldn’t be comfortable with the latter, which reminded me of my most recent blog post.

I said I wasn’t sure about us still meeting up, I didn’t know if we would be sexually compatible, or that he was sexually experienced enough for me. He said that he’s different in real life, and we should at least go for a drink and see.

So against my better judgement, I went to meet him at the tube station and we went to The Duke of Edinburgh (shout out to old Wood Green work colleagues). He was cute, but there was something really awkward about him, and although we had a bit of a chat and found some common ground, (we both went to Uni in Leicester, although he’s a De Montforter, so I win). I really didn’t like him as a person, and there was barely any actual chemistry, just two bored people, slightly attracted to each other, sitting in a pub together.

We had a couple of drinks, then I suggested we play pool, as I thought this would bring some excitement into the evening. It was fun, and I very almost beat him, but then I potted the white ball, while potting the black, so lost by default.

After we finished, he said shall we go and play chess? (It says on my profile that I’m looking for someone to play chess with). The pool game had created a very small amount of tension, so I agreed, and we began to walk home. I thought this would be the perfect time to ask him about his political opinions, since I don’t remember him answering those bits of the OKCupid questions.

Me: So if you’re from Barnet do you vote Tory then?

Him: Well it’s more Chipping Barnet who are Tories, and I have voted for different political parties, but yes now I do vote Tory.

My head: Of course.

He goes on to fanboy over why Margaret Thatcher was so great, because she made it so anyone could better themselves, no matter whether you were a shopkeeper, or a lawyer. (Or something similar).

If anyone would have wanted one of those busts from that Sherlock episode, it would have been him.

Me: Yeah so basically she made it better for self-employed people, but not if you’re a single parent with a part time job.

Him: Yeah.

(No further discussion on this).

Me: So did you vote Brexit?

Him: Yes.

My head: Seriously…

Me: Why?

Him: *gives me a convoluted explanation which suggests that Germany want to become a superpower again and we should have no part of that*

Half way through this conversation, I nearly fall over because it’s so slippy and icy on the pavement, but he does not seem to find any humour in this. Just like earlier on in the pub when I told him his glasses looked like Harry Potter glasses.

Me: But how is leaving the EU going to be better for Britain?

Him: *avoids the question like he’s practicing to be a politician*

Me: Just give me ONE GOOD REASON why you voted leave?

Him: Well I can’t remember that far back – it was in July.

Me: It was June the 23rd actually.

We go into my flat. It turns out he’s OCD about tidiness. If you’ve ever been to my flat, you’ll know this is not a good mix.

It becomes apparent that he does not want us to play chess, which honestly I was quite disappointed about. We start kissing and I’m glad to discover he’s a lips-only kisser. We start doing other stuff, and at one point I end up sitting on his face. He’s doing quite well, I’d probably give him a B plus, but doesn’t seem to be enjoying it, so I ask him if I need to go and wash my fanny, as I have been out all day. He unconvincingly tells me that it’s fine, so I go to the shower and have a quick wash. I’m not that sensitive! If I blatantly ask you if it needs washing, then it’s fine to say so. I’ve stopped sexual activity before to ask guys to go wash their dicks real quick.

We end up having sex, but he’s one of those guys who can’t stay fully hard the whole time in a condom, so that’s annoying. I don’t self-lubricate loads usually anyway, but it keeps drying up more than usual, so we have to use a lot of lube. Probably because there’s no real connection between us, and my pussy knows the truth, and is not cooperating.

He keeps telling me what to do, but not in a hot way, and any time I get even a little bit rough with him he acts like a total pussy about it. Eventually he ends up cumming on my tits, which I haven’t had for a while, so it’s nice for nostalgia. I get out my vibrator, but my clit is also refusing to play ball, so I decide to give up.

I start to feel a little emotional, I’m not sure if he notices, but he immediately gets up to go and have a shower. Which NO ONE HAS EVER DONE TO ME AFTER SEX BEFORE, and it feels a bit rude. But given his logical architect OCD Tory personality, I’m not massively surprised.

After he comes out of the shower, I go to pee (determined not to get cystitis from this experience), and let myself cry a little in the bathroom, and when I come back he’s already got dressed. It’s obvious now that I’m upset. I sit on the bed crying and he leaves, and I realise I have not yet learnt my lesson about leave voters.

Awkward as fuck.

I think the whole experience reminded me of what happened with Tory 1, and the rejection that I felt from him. The fact that the sex I’d just had was devoid of any intimacy made it all worse, plus the fact that I hadn’t cum, and he had, and that’s why I got sad.

I’ve had some great casual sex experiences in the past (more with people that I already knew though), but I think now I’m a bit older, I need something more, or at the very least I need to be more into it to in future, if I do ever do that again, and not just doing it for the sake of it.

In short:

If your pussy ain’t pulsing, then there’s no point fucking.

Stop sleeping with Tory Brexiters because clearly they have no soul.

My favourite part of the night was playing pool, so I obviously need to do this more.

I’ve used the word ‘pussy’ in this blog a lot. But for some reason I always call it a ‘fanny’ when I’m talking about washing it.

No one seems to have a good reason as to why they voted leave.