It’s just a little crush

Crush

(noun)

A strong but temporary feeling of liking someone

(verb)

To upset or shock someone

To defeat someone completely

* * *

Our first date was the best date I’ve ever had.

We went ice skating at Ally Pally ice rink. We got there too early, so walked around the gardens first. I fancied him as soon as I saw him, and I could tell he fancied me too. We were flirting like schoolkids – playful, and teasing, and physical. We held hands on the ice, and at one point I fell onto my knees in front of him and told him I was ‘just practicing’ in a provocative way.

He kept trying to push me into the wall, and one of the times he decided to stop me from going too fast into it at the last second. That part of the wall turned out to be a door, so I would have fallen straight through it and out of the ice rink. He joked for the next few months about how the date would have been even better if only he’d actually pushed me through that door. I agree – it would have been hilarious (you know, as long as I didn’t have to go to A&E afterwards).

After ice skating we went to the Jolly Angler pub for drinks and there was karaoke on. We had our first kiss to someone’s bad version of ‘Hallelujah’ and I was happy to discover he was a great kisser. I decided to sing the classic 90s one hit wonder ‘Crush’ by Jennifer Paige and he took a video of me singing on his phone. I probably knew even then that singing it was ‘just a little crush’ was a case of the lady doth protest too much, that I would end up quite liking him, and that would be my downfall.

After karaoke, we got takeaway, and he came home with me, (we didn’t have sex), we just watched Peep Show and stayed up until 6am talking. It was exciting getting to know someone new.

He was funny, and smart, and sexually open minded, we got along well, and played chess (which he usually won), and I could be myself with him and I enjoyed us spending time together. He remembered which days I was doing certain things, like hosting my quiz, and would text me to ask how it was. We went for bagels on Brick Lane, he bought me presents for my birthday, we played pool, he poured milk on me in my shower in a kinky way, he came to watch my blog reading and my stand-up gig, and I fucked him with my strap-on. Great sex and awesome date activities. It was exactly what I wanted.

I waited for him for 6 weeks because he went travelling to Madagascar and then away to his sister’s prom.

On our next date, we went for dinner, and then had amazing sex where I tied him to my bed and dripped hot candle wax on him. (He said he’d never seen me look so happy). He had a very high pain threshold and I found that so sexy about him.

It’s so precarious at the beginning. I feel as though you are skating on thin ice, making sure they don’t think you like them too much because they’ll get scared and run away. My problem is I’m not very good at holding back or playing it cool. So when he started not texting me as much, instead of chilling out and letting him come to me, I started texting even more and went a bit overboard with it.

On our last date, we went to Ally Pally Summer Festival. I had a bit of a go at him for not texting me that much that week and he said he would text me more. Everything seemed fine and he introduced me to some of his friends. He text me later that night, but then after that went a bit AWOL again. I didn’t really understand what was happening, but we eventually met for lunch today and he explained.

That day, I’d asked him if he’d spoken to his ex-girlfriend recently, because I knew he’d been there with her the year before and it was on my mind, and he said that made him realise that we were getting ‘serious’ and he got scared. I suddenly realised when he told me this that he’s not totally over her, and maybe didn’t take enough time to process what happened between them before meeting me. It seems like he repressed those feelings and hasn’t dealt with them fully yet. I also think that sometimes even if a man likes you he can get freaked out if you come on too strong and/ or he’s not in the right head space for a relationship. 

Today was weird. It didn’t feel like a break up in the traditional sense because he was saying things you wouldn’t normally say like ‘I really like you’, and still being a bit flirty. He also said conflicting things. When I asked him what he wanted it sounded like he wants the same things I do (play chess, have sex, and go out sometimes). But he said he thinks I want something more, and he can’t give me that right now. Then the next minute he said he doesn’t know what he wants. Then he made a joke about meeting up in a year and going ice skating. Then he said he had a really fun day with me at the Summer Festival. WHAT A HEAD FUCK.

I wish I hadn’t been so needy, and put so much energy into wanting him to like me, and I wish I hadn’t asked him about his ex, but it’s hard to know whether it would have made a difference or not. Perhaps we just met at the wrong time. It’s so frustrating when you meet someone you have great chemistry with and so much fun with, and you can tell that they were really into you at the start, but now they don’t want to continue seeing you. I feel sad, and angry, and rejected, and deceived, and disappointed, and confused all at once. I could probably spend hours thinking about what I could have done differently but I’m going to try not to torture myself about it too much.

I wanted to say to him thank you for all the good times we had together, for the best first date ever, for coming to my shows with me, for the milk, and the candle wax, and of course, the pegging.

But I couldn’t find the words to say all this, so I just said bye and we hugged and I watched him walk away, turning round once to look back at me, like a fucking tease. Talk about mixed messages.

Towards the end of the conversation, I told him I’m going to give him some space for him to miss me, and perhaps we can text each other in a month or so and see where we’re at. Maybe I will have met someone else by then, maybe I’ll have forgotten about him, or maybe we’ll meet up again, and play chess and go ice skating, and I’ll push him through that door. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now I’ll just have to focus on being creative, and doing stuff for me, after I’ve listened to Jennifer Paige…

 

23 things I hate about the Tory

I wasn’t sure whether to post this or not, but on Sunday night I messaged the Tory to ask him what he thought of my blog about him (yes I know, why do I still need his validation?!) and told him I was thinking about putting up the list of things I hate about him, and asked if it was too far. He said, and I quote: ‘Nah! Do it… It’s great. It’s all the feedback relationships lack!’

So he can’t say I didn’t warn him.

I suspect that he secretly likes all this attention and I’m just feeding his power trip, but publicly criticising him is also fun for me and helps me with closure. So win win. When Destiny’s Child sang said ‘you know I’m not gonna diss you on the Internet, cos my mumma taught me better than that’, well they clearly never dated a Tory twat. Plus my mother still doesn’t quite understand what the internet is, and therefore she wasn’t able to teach me how to be a better person on it. 

I know this is supposed to be a list of things I hate, but some of them are more things that would be annoying in a relationship, so it makes me feel better that I’m not dating him. I think only a couple of them are really mean… Anyway, here goes…

  1. He’s a Tory
  2. He voted Brexit
  3. He can’t eat gluten (which might have got annoying after a while in terms of cooking, takeaways etc)
  4. He told me that he can’t cook very well (never got to find out how bad it is)
  5. He’s not very cool (and doesn’t seem to care – wait that’s actually sort of cool in a way…damn)
  6. He has issues with pride
  7. He lives quite far away
  8. He’s got financial problems
  9. He’s not that good a kisser (I know this is probably the harshest one – too much tongue, not enough lips – there I said it…)
  10. He said he doesn’t like books / reading that much
  11. He wants to get married and have kids eventually (and I don’t)
  12. He won’t eat halal food (because it’s unnecessarily ‘cruel to animals’ – but the British farming industry isn’t…right…So yeah we never could have gone to Wood Green Nandos)
  13. He’s not as sexually open as I am
  14. He messed me around
  15. He doesn’t want to date me
  16. He’s annoying
  17. He does weird faces sometimes
  18. He really knows how to drag out a joke
  19. He would randomly leave whatsapp conversations and not finish them later
  20. He’s posh (although the posh accent was kinda sexy)
  21. He words were as inconsistent as his bowling skills – he would sometimes contradict himself about certain things 
  22. He used to call me ‘angel’ which I liked in a way, but found it very condescending and patronising when he used in relation to making plans (or not making plans as the case turned out to be)
  23. He has weird nipples (save the best ‘til last)

So there’s my list. And I can definitely recommend this exercise as something to do after a breakup.

As for what he thought of the previous blog – he said it was very good and (quite) funny. Not that I care or anything…And if anyone is wondering about his side of the story, he also said it was pretty accurate and that nothing was unfair in it. 

Not sure he will think the same about this one. But fuck it. He had it coming. And it’s too late now…

My Own Hard Brexit

Last week on Thursday the 3rd of November, the Tory rang me to say we should ‘knock it on the head’ because he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend. 5 years’ ago on the exact SAME DATE the guy I was seeing at the time came over to tell me that he didn’t want us to date anymore. That’s WEIRD right?! I mean WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! I don’t know. Even google doesn’t have an answer. Also this blog has basically taken almost as long to write as the whole ‘relationship’, but I think that’s because I had a lot to say. 

I knew this was going to happen. This is why I didn’t want to date. I just wanted to stay in my single little bubble occasionally having sex while getting on with my life. And then I met the Tory twat and he ruined it just like the Tories ruin everything. I only wanted to have sex with him at first, because it was so wrong it turned me on, but then I ended up actually liking him as a person, and that’s when it all went downhill from there, and I learnt that you should never date someone who voted leave because they will just end up leaving you. 

So after our bowling ‘date’, he went a bit quiet on me and ‘forgot’ that we had made plans to see each other the next week, and the more I tried to see him, the more he backed away. To cut a long story short, we did arrange to meet again, initially on 4th November, which I then changed to 5th November so we wouldn’t have to get up early the next day, but he wasn’t really texting me that much, so I kind of sensed that he wasn’t into it anymore but I was basically too much of a pussy to end it myself.

He said on the phone that we shouldn’t keep seeing each other because he already knew he didn’t want me to be his girlfriend and it was unfair to carry it on, especially not to meet up on Fireworks night because it’s such a couply thing to do. When I asked him why basically kept saying that we were too different, and I was too into sex, and some other reasons I didn’t really understand  like apparently sometimes I don’t seem interested in stuff he’s saying, which I totally disagreed with. He hadn’t thought that we were dating until I said we were on our bowling date, despite the fact that we were clearly ON A DATE. He just thought that it was a casual arrangement.

Anyway I was out, and it was totally the wrong time to talk, and I couldn’t hear everything he was saying, but basically may have slightly pleaded with him to still see me on the Saturday because ‘I really liked him and wanted us to have fun together’. HEAD DESK.

He insisted that it was over, but he also said I could call him again if I wanted to talk about anything which really confused me. WHY DID HE WANT ME TO CALL HIM?! I left the conversation not really understanding what had happened and thinking that maybe he had got scared the way men do sometimes when you get a bit too close to them.

I’ve had lots of casual sex in the past and probably would have been okay with it being a casual thing if I had known from the start that’s all it could ever be, but the problem was from my perspective it had the feeling of the beginning of a relationship due to things that he did and said, and this it what confused me.

He gave so many mixed messages that made me think that he did like me in that way and see us maybe dating. For example, talking about things we could do together in the future, even if it was just jokey like how we were gonna tidy my flat together, or how he was gonna turn me soppy, or that we should go out for dinner before we had sex the first time so we’re ‘more invested’ (I ended up cooking dinner instead).  He was also very physically affectionate and we held hands on the street. 

Also he once walked 10 MILES to see me. I thought this was really romantic but then I remembered this was before we had sex and if Peep Show has taught me anything it’s that men will do and say ANYTHING to get laid.

But all this meant that I mistook certain things that he said for typical male commitment-phobia, because I’ve seen that happen so many times before. So when he said he thought we were fuck buddies, or when he said he didn’t like making firm plans I misinterpreted this as fear. Of course a leave supporter wouldn’t be into making a plan.*

Anyway, like an optimistic remain voter hoping for a second referendum, I thought that maybe if I just said the right things that he would stop freaking out. I even texted my long term ex for advice and he said, ‘Just tell him to think of your relationship like austerity and that it’s a relationship with cut backs’.

On Sunday 6th November I decided to call him. I didn’t tell any of my friends I was going to do this as I knew that they would say it was a bad idea. But I’m so glad that I did.

I guess the main idea of the call was to undo all the stuff I did on Thursday when I had been really needy and still trying to get him to see me. I thought if I called him out on the freak out then told him I would give him some space to come back to me when he was ready then maybe there was still a chance that he would date me.

This is the opposite of what happened, but now at least I understand that it was doomed from the beginning. Which is both frustrating and oddly freeing at the same time.

I got him to explain more about why he feels we are too different and I realised the more we talked that I think he has a bit of Madonna/Whore Complex going on in that basically I’m too sexual to be girlfriend material.

I think that when we first met he was intrigued by me and liked the idea of exploring some kinky stuff and acted a bit more sexually confident/adventurous than he actually is, maybe to impress me or whatever. 

I also think that sometimes when he reacted with nonchalance to certain things that I told him it was more that he didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t into that or cool with it. But really he’s the sort of guy who pays the stripper not to take her clothes off (I think he has actually done this), and I’m the first woman to ever send him a picture of my tits. 

He said that when he does have a girlfriend that he wants to be able to bring them into his whole life with his friends and family etc and he couldn’t do that with me. I pushed him to explain why…’Am I too loud? Or is it because I’m not posh?’

‘No, it’s not really that, it’s more that you’re a bit… coarse.’

Ah.

Well I’ve never been called that before.

It also turns out he thought me sucking that straw was a bit vulgar. Not too vulgar to fuck me of course, but too vulgar to date me. I guess the Tory twat wasn’t worth it after all. 

At least he didn’t give me that bullshit cliched ‘I just don’t want a girlfriend right now’ excuse that I hate when some men do. No, he was very clear about the fact he didn’t want ME as his girlfriend. No sugar-coating here. 

I wish that he didn’t think or feel like this, but ultimately I don’t want to be with someone who still has these old-fashioned views of women. The thing is I find a lot of men are not totally comfortable with women’s sexuality, and I can’t help but feel there is some ingrained sexism going on here.

For example, my long term ex really didn’t like the fact that I had slept with other comedians he knew on the circuit before we met, yet I was totally fine with the fact he had had sex with a comedian that I know and get along really well with.

I feel like so many men feel like this though and I wonder whether I will ever meet a man who totally gets me and is not threatened by this side of me. Maybe after 16 long years of dating men it’s time to finally start dating women? Either that or just be alone forever.

I told him about how I had got mixed messages from him and I felt that he had messed me around (you know like not texting me for a week), and he said he was sorry about leading me on. I told him he shouldn’t be allowed to date again. But seriously, I hope that he does learn from this and is a bit more aware in future about other people’s feelings, and not acting in such a relationshippy way if a relationship is totally off the table.

I said that at least I didn’t have to change his name in my phone because from the first night I met him it was already saved as (First name) Tory Dickhead (Last Name). He thought this was funny and we laughed about it for a bit. Oh how we laughed. DICKHEAD.

I don’t even know why I liked him that much. He’s not even that cool. He likes Robbie Williams. SERIOUSLY. And he can’t eat gluten. So now every time I eat gluten now I think about how he doesn’t deserve gluten and it makes me smile. And I made a list of 10 things I hate about him to make myself feel better. Well it was supposed to be 10 like the film, but it ended up being 19. Wait, 20. I mean it just keeps getting longer and longer. My favourite is number 18 – he really knows how to drag out a joke…(I’m well aware this blog post is half the length of my University dissertation). Another plus point is this will give me more material for my Edinburgh show. I was wavering about whether to still do a solo show or not. But pain is a great inspiration for creativity. And of course the comedy’s more important…

It was interesting (and at times frustrating) to spend time with someone whose political views were so different from mine, because whenever I tried to question him on a Conservative policy he wouldn’t give me a good enough answer. For example, after he went to see ‘I, Daniel Blake’ I asked him if he felt bad now for voting Tory but he said no because claiming JSA under a Labour government was just as nightmarish, and that it has always been a ‘ghastly system’, but I don’t think he realises how much worse it is now.

I think a lot of people, including him are not informed enough or just don’t see or refuse to see how different it is now, and how many more unfair changes have happened since we have had a Tory government, such as the bedroom tax, DLA cuts, and now the housing benefit rent cap.

I’m not a politician so I don’t necessarily know how I would save the money that we need because it’s not my job to (although here’s an idea -getting companies to actually pay corporation tax would be a start), but I certainly don’t think that it should come from the poorest in society. That doesn’t make any sense. But I think that a lot of people ignore all these facts and/or just don’t care, because they are so convinced that the Tories will make the country better overall. And yes, it’s true I didn’t know the name of the leader of the EU until he told me, so maybe we all need to learn a bit more about who and what we are voting for. 

Towards the end of our phone call I also told him  that in no universe ever should it be him who doesn’t want to date me – it should be the other way round – because I’m better than him at EVERYTHING. He laughed and said this was arrogant. But it’s probably true. Except cunnilingus. He was surprisingly good at that…Damn, just stroked his ego one last time. Well at least now I don’t have to pretend I’m interested in everything he is saying…

It’s really hard when someone rejects you, especially when you thought it was going somewhere. But I should just get used to disappointment. 48% of me is still a bit annoyed and upset, but 52% of me knows that it’s for the best. I guess we’ll always have The Lion and The Unicorn, Kentish Town…and whenever I hear this song I will think of him, not fondly. But I’ll think of him.

*credit to Tara Molineux for this joke

 

 

Living the Single Life

Just over three months’ ago, my boyfriend of one and a half years came over and said he wanted to break up with me. My response was ‘yeah I think that’s probably a good idea’. It hadn’t been working well for a while but we had been carrying on anyway, because it’s hard when you are attached to someone to finally let go. I had been thinking about breaking up too, (I mean it was on my to do list, I just hadn’t got round to it) so even though I was sad and part of me still wanted to hold on to what we had, I knew that it was for the best.

It’s strange when you have distance from a relationship. In the initial throes of romance I thought he was ‘the one’ (Peep Show style). I don’t necessarily believe in that, or that there is that one person for you, I just mean that I thought we were really good for each other and were going to be together a while. I was sort of right – I think a year and a half is a while to be fair.

I feel like when I first meet someone I get carried away with the lust and excitement that I don’t really think about if we are actually compatible or not, and how much of our Venn diagram overlaps. I ignore the bits that don’t fit, and I think a lot of people do this – going through their lives trying to put square shapes in triangular shaped holes. Sometimes people stay together because they want to settle down and have children. Since these are not things that I ever want, I think in future I need to be more picky about who I get into a relationship with. This will mean spending a lot of time alone. Fortunately, I like my own company.

In fact being single these last few months has been really good for me. I’m pretty sure I’m a better person when I am not in a relationship and I don’t have so many expectations from another person. Plus I’ve got loads of stuff done. Remember when I said I wanted to be more organised and tidy? It’s still a work in progress, but at least now I can see my bedroom floor.

My ex has already started dating someone new. At first I was a bit taken aback by it, especially when he said he wanted me to meet her. He said he was going to bring her to this gig we were both performing at.

I was worried it would be bitchy or awkward, but she was so cool and lovely, and it went so much better than I expected. As soon as I got off stage she said she had liked one of my jokes, which of course instantly made me like her. Luckily it was a good gig – you really don’t want to die on stage in front of your ex’s new girlfriend.

It was a bit weird seeing him hold hands with someone else, and be with her the way he used to be with me, but I didn’t feel jealous or annoyed, I just felt deeply happy for them. They seem to be better match than we were and I hope they are together for a while…