What’s it like to be figged?

I found out what figging was circa 2007, and became curious about wanting to try it out. Figging is the technical term for putting a piece of ginger inside someone’s arsehole, which brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘spicing up your sex life’ #sorrynotsorry. Anyway, the idea is also to get whipped while the ginger is in there, because you can’t clench, so it hurts more.

In November I was on a first date with someone, we were in a pub kissing, and talking about kinky sex, and he happened to mention that he had tried it on himself once. Considering most people don’t even know what it is, I was very excited by the fact he had actually done it. He said he couldn’t remember exactly what it was like, only that it hurt a bit. This only made me more intrigued to feel it for myself.

The third time we met up, he came over and brought me some ginger as a joke. We didn’t use it that night, but the next time he came round I asked him to fig me. He’s generally not very practical, but he managed to peel the ginger and shape it into a butt plug. I had this idea that I wanted to be tied up, covered in honey, and figged. I usually like food stuff with clothes on, but for this time I felt like wanted to feel the honey on my skin.

He stripped me and tied me to the bed on my hands and knees with some coarse rope an ex once bought me from Homebase, that I’d never used, but I felt it would go with the fantasy. With figging, apparently you’re not supposed to use lube, so you can feel the stinging of the ginger juices, so he put the ginger inside me with no warm up, and wow it was painful.

He proceeded to whip me, and I remember feeling like I couldn’t take it as much as usual. I even told him not to pour the honey all over me in the end, as the whole experience was already too overwhelming. In my fantasy I had wanted him to fuck me with the ginger still in there for some double penetration, but I couldn’t handle the ginger any longer, and asked him to take it out before fucking me. He fucked me doggy style until he came inside me (or was it on my face that time?), and then left me with my sore arsehole and shame for being so not as hardcore as I think I am.

Figging lessons and conclusion:

I do feel like I was a total pussy about it, but next time I would do it a bit differently, so that I could take it better. I would probably have a drink or two beforehand – as I was stone cold sober it was harder to relax. I would ask the person to use lube and finger me first – the lube would wear off eventually, but it would have been easier if lube was used to start with, as the main problem for me seemed to be the size, rather than the juices. I’m also used to the thing inside my anus moving – e.g. a dick, so having the ginger just stuck there didn’t feel as comfortable for me (although he said that he finds the opposite is true and likes the feeling of just being filled). 

I wished afterwards that he had covered me in honey – we did do some stuff with honey another time after that and it was a lot of fun, but it was mostly me pouring it on him, so it would be good for me to properly experience that. I also got my revenge recently by fucking him with my strap-on, but that’s another story…

What’s it like to fuck a 20 year old?

Ok so it’s not the first time I’ve fucked a 20 year old.

Other times this has happened:

  1. At 19, when I lost my virginity to a 20 year old. 
  2. At 28, I fucked a 20 year old who was very kinky – he choked me, stuck his fingers down my throat, and came all over my face. Then he had the cheek to ask me to lend him £20, as he’d lost his bank card, along with some headphones, so he could listen to some music on the way to Fabric. #youngpeople (To his credit I did get them both back).

But now I’m in my 30s.

So is 20 too young?

It was the Friday before Halloween, and I went to my friend’s warehouse party. Here is a picture I took while getting ready, before I put my  dress on.Carmen Ali Halloween PicIf that’s not a picture that says ‘I’m getting laid tonight’,  I don’t know what is.  (Although, of course it’s easy to say that in retrospect). 

After about an hour of being there, this boy came over to me. He said the party was ‘lit’. Apparently that’s a word young people are using a lot at the moment.

Me: How old are you?

Him: How young would you go?

Me: Um…18 maybe

Him: I’m 20

Me: Oh good

In my head: I’m glad he’s not 18

I did also check his id to make sure he was actually 20, because unlike Kevin Spacey, I like to practice challenge 25 when it comes to random guys I meet at parties.  (I did this in a half joking way, as I didn’t really think he was lying about his age).

And so it went on. He had all the cockiness of a 20 year old who knows that he is hot, but I kind of liked that. He seemed sure of the fact that he was coming home with me that night, and I felt he would be too, but wanted to make him work for it a bit. He was cute, blond, and skinny, and I was definitely attracted to him. His banter was a bit second rate, but he didn’t seem to mind me telling him his jokes were shit (as well as twisting his nipple pretty damn hard within about 2 minutes of meeting him). 

He said I was a ‘freak’ like him, which made me think of the Sugababes song. Ah early 2000s nostalgia. He asked me if I was into candle wax, so I told him about my candles designed specifically for wax play, and the night descended into flirting, kissing, and talking about what we were going to do to each other. He also asked me if I had any anal beads. (Do I look seem like the sort of woman who doesn’t have anal beads?!) I’d ran out of my wine pretty quickly, so it was also handy meeting him, as he kept giving me some of his rum and coke and I didn’t have to walk to the fucking shop. We hung out in his friend’s room and made out. We talked about having kinky sex, and he choked me, we slapped each other, and he sucked and bit on my nipples. 

Eventually we went back to mine,  and I asked him what kind of music he wanted to listen to – he said ‘Disclosure’ (no idea) so I found it on Spotify (seemed to be a mix of artists) and put on an album.

I sat on top of him on the bed, we were kissing, and I picked up a bottle of water and poured it all over him, soaking his white T-shirt, because let’s be honest, all white clothes look better when wet.

He looked initially annoyed, but then resisted when I tried to take his shirt off before tying him up, so perhaps he liked the feeling of the damp fabric stuck to his skin. I tied him to my bed with duct tape, which I haven’t used for a while, but didn’t feel sober enough to be able to find handcuff keys later. 

I pulled his t-shirt up to expose his nipples, lit a candle, and dripped wax all over them, and the rest of his chest. He writhed in a sexy ‘I’m in pain but I like this’ sort of way, and I thought I’m definitely enjoying my dominant side at the moment.

I remember untying him and him fingering me. It was okay, not the worst I’ve ever had, but my g-spot wasn’t exactly bursting with joy,  ready to write its own blog post about it. I started playing with his cock, but there were no signs of life. He had mentioned he’d taken a bit of cocaine earlier in the night, (but had stopped when he knew we were going back together) and he had drank a lot, but perhaps he was also intimidated by having sex with an older, kinky woman – even though at the party he had been the one desperate for all the kinky stuff to happen. 

Anyway, I sucked his dick diligently, and eventually it got just hard enough to put a condom on. We had sex for a bit with me on top, then it fell out, so we switched to doggy, and he put his thumb in my arsehole, which always feels oddly satisfying for me. I think men must know that it’s an instant way to improve mediocre sex. He spanked me a little, and we were getting into it for a while. But eventually I got a bit bored, so I stopped and I took my vibrator out, and even though it felt like my batteries were running out, I just about managed to cum. I thought it was funny that my ejaculate fluid on my bed made a dick shape. It was almost like my pussy was saying ‘ha ha I don’t need you’. 

He tried to wank over me, but he couldn’t cum, so we went to sleep. I think he felt a bit disappointed about not being able to fuck ‘all through the night to the early morn’ and said he was going to fuck me properly the next day.

At around 8am in the morning I caught him taking a photo – I had heard the clicking noise, so I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was taking a selfie, as his friend had asked him where he was. #20yearolds

He swiftly got dressed, left sheepishly, and I haven’t heard from him since. Ah a true one night stand.

So here are the lessons I have learnt (yes sometimes you gotta learn a lesson more than once)

  1. One bottle of wine is not enough for a party
  2. I should have used the anal beads on him while he was tied up
  3. I often enjoy flirting, kissing, and kinky foreplay more than actual penetration 
  4. I need to get some Viagra or similar, as this has happened way too many times for me not to have some on standby (although people have commented since saying it doesn’t go well with alcohol and coke, but apparently there’s a wine that has the same effect)
  5. That Sugababes video is weirder than I remember
  6. 20 probably is a bit too young