Fucking, foreplay, and heteronormativity

The other day I posted on my blog about fucking a 20 year old (guy), with the caveat that I had done it before, but only with two other people in my lifetime. A woman I slept with a few times at University commented ‘weren’t we 19 when we met?’ And it drew attention to the fact that I only count men in my ‘number’.

I have a list on my phone simply named as ‘fuck list’ – we all have a list, right? With a symbol next to the ones that were good? My list is only guys who have put their dick inside me. But what about women? Why don’t I count them? Perhaps because the word ‘fuck’ sounds a bit rough, or violent. It evokes the action of penetrating. It’s not a word you associate with going down on a woman. In fact I just found out that there’s a radical feminist movement on the internet who think that PIV / PinV (penis in vagina) is always rape because it’s a ‘violent’ act. I obviously don’t agree with the theory, but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyway…if my list is only about penetration, then what about the fact I’ve fucked women with strap-ons, and vice versa, surely they should be on the list? But then a strap-on is not part of me, so is it not the same thing?

If I was going to start counting women, what do I count? Do I count fingering? Or do I only count it if we did oral? Or if we did it in a bed and there was a whole long experience? What do women who only sleep with women count? I’m guessing different people count differently. I know some gay men who do count oral sex as sex. And what if I had sex with a woman who had a penis – why would I count that, but not a woman who doesn’t have one? The implication of only counting it if a dick is in the equation is that you’re automatically inferior if you don’t have one. Ah the patriarchy.  

And it’s not even that I don’t count women, I only count PinV sex. There’s a guy I had sex with once, but he only fucked me in the arse (perhaps a story for another time), so he’s not on my list. I also don’t count a few guys who I only had inside me for a few seconds. 30 seconds or more at least. In the pussy. That’s my rule apparently. My list is very selective. 

If I start counting women, surely I need to also count all the men I did fingering/oral sex with? But I can’t remember…I can’t remember the names of all the men and women I gave oral to, but for some reason I’ve made a special effort to remember the names of every man who has fucked me with their dick.

Because heteronormative society views that as the height of sexual experience, and I am just as guilty of subscribing to it. I’m often eager to get to the penetrative sex, even though I don’t always enjoy it the most. Why is oral and fingering called foreplay? Because intercourse is supposed to be the fucking main event.

But sometimes ‘foreplay’ can be the ‘main event’. It was great to see Grey Worm giving Missandei cunnilingus in Game of Thrones – but that’s literally because he doesn’t have a dick. How often do you see that on TV? I think there may have been a Misfits episode where Simon does it to Alisha, but it doesn’t happen that often.

It also goes back to the social construct of ‘losing your virginity’. The fact that in straight terms it’s basically when a dick goes inside you. But what about gold star lesbians? Or gay men who don’t do penetration? Do they spend their whole lives as ‘virgins’?! Do they think of themselves as virgins?! I’m guessing not. Sometimes you gotta make your own definitions. 

Even the language is all wrong. Losing your virginity. Like it’s something to be held onto. Not an experience to be gained.

Maybe I don’t count everything, because once I’d, in theory, gone the furthest, I wasn’t interested in counting anything less than that. I did used to count how many people I’d kissed and all their names, but once I ‘lost my virginity’ that took over. Or maybe I don’t count all the experiences more than kissing, because then my number would probably to be closer to 100.

But why do we count anyway? Why does it matter what my number is? I guess numbers are a quick way to find out how sexually experienced someone is, but it doesn’t work if you’re not including all the information.

It’s probably just another way to shame women for being too ‘frigid’ or too ‘promiscuous’, and a way to shame men for being too ‘frigid’. (Since they don’t usually get shamed for promiscuity). Plus you could have had sex with lots of people, but only once, or sex with not as many people, but lots of times.

It’s really difficult to retrain yourself out of the heteronormative way of thinking, but I’m going to give it a go. From now on, I’m going to count all the experiences I have, whether there ends up being a D in my V or not. I will try and stop using the term ‘losing virginity’, and I’m going to edit my list to include all my previous sexual experiences (that I can remember) from both men and women. Just not those ones that lasted less than 30 seconds. Fuck. That.

 

2 thoughts on “Fucking, foreplay, and heteronormativity

  1. I think that’s right on the button. It’s heteronormativity, as you say. For years (er…decades) I reflected that I had first had sex at 15. Well, that was when I first entered and came inside a girl. She was a year older than me – it was the only time I have ever had anything to do with under-age sex and it was me who was under-age.

    However, I had sex with a guy the year before, at 14, and simply didn’t count it. It was proper sex, again with another teenager older than me, it was anal both ways (‘trade’ as gays used to call it, I wonder if they still do). So why doesn’t that count? I simply didn’t see it as real sex. It’s not to do with the supremacy of the phallus, we were both possessed of a penis evidently in working order. I just discounted the experience as not being important as compared to the real deal which was with women.

    In fact I don’t privilege straight sex, I have no reason to. The only advantage (or disadvantage) straight sex gives is the opportunity for procreation and since I have always taken steps to avoid it, the possibility means nothing to me. Logically I don’t privilege the thought of anal or oral sex with a woman over that with a man, it’s only a matter of personal preference, but I have still spent most of my life discounting an early homosexual experience as just not in the same league as a heterosexual one.

    The use of language is interesting too, as you mention – I think the date of first sex is important because it is a milestone in the sexual history of your life, but how do we mark it differently, male to female? Girls lost virginity while boys have sex – or whatever phrase is used it is always an active one. The language says that girls lose something while boys do something. More deep thinks needed here.

    Like

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