Ode to the penis

I need to pee 

Cystitis has reared its ugly head again

This is our punishment 

For heterosexual sex

 

My vibrator never gives me a UTI

Or thrush

Or makes me panic that I’m pregnant

 

Dicks are the devil

With balls as their delicate horns

Creating fire in our vaginas 

And our minds

 

The flaccid dick seems so innocent

Vulnerable – soft and sensitive 

Until the blood flows

And the shaft grows

 

The transformation from a fat little worm 

To a demanding patriarch

Urging us to caress it 

With our mouths and vulvas

 

My usual dick belongs to a decent man 

For once

I’m happy to declare

So I’ll keep on doing this heterosexual dance

As long as we keep on being compatible 

This poem is over

I’m off to buy some cranberry pills 

 

Fucking, foreplay, and heteronormativity

The other day I posted on my blog about fucking a 20 year old (guy), with the caveat that I had done it before, but only with two other people in my lifetime. A woman I slept with a few times at University commented ‘weren’t we 19 when we met?’ And it drew attention to the fact that I only count men in my ‘number’.

I have a list on my phone simply named as ‘fuck list’ – we all have a list, right? With a symbol next to the ones that were good? My list is only guys who have put their dick inside me. But what about women? Why don’t I count them? Perhaps because the word ‘fuck’ sounds a bit rough, or violent. It evokes the action of penetrating. It’s not a word you associate with going down on a woman. In fact I just found out that there’s a radical feminist movement on the internet who think that PIV / PinV (penis in vagina) is always rape because it’s a ‘violent’ act. I obviously don’t agree with the theory, but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyway…if my list is only about penetration, then what about the fact I’ve fucked women with strap-ons, and vice versa, surely they should be on the list? But then a strap-on is not part of me, so is it not the same thing?

If I was going to start counting women, what do I count? Do I count fingering? Or do I only count it if we did oral? Or if we did it in a bed and there was a whole long experience? What do women who only sleep with women count? I’m guessing different people count differently. I know some gay men who do count oral sex as sex. And what if I had sex with a woman who had a penis – why would I count that, but not a woman who doesn’t have one? The implication of only counting it if a dick is in the equation is that you’re automatically inferior if you don’t have one. Ah the patriarchy.  

And it’s not even that I don’t count women, I only count PinV sex. There’s a guy I had sex with once, but he only fucked me in the arse (perhaps a story for another time), so he’s not on my list. I also don’t count a few guys who I only had inside me for a few seconds. 30 seconds or more at least. In the pussy. That’s my rule apparently. My list is very selective. 

If I start counting women, surely I need to also count all the men I did fingering/oral sex with? But I can’t remember…I can’t remember the names of all the men and women I gave oral to, but for some reason I’ve made a special effort to remember the names of every man who has fucked me with their dick.

Because heteronormative society views that as the height of sexual experience, and I am just as guilty of subscribing to it. I’m often eager to get to the penetrative sex, even though I don’t always enjoy it the most. Why is oral and fingering called foreplay? Because intercourse is supposed to be the fucking main event.

But sometimes ‘foreplay’ can be the ‘main event’. It was great to see Grey Worm giving Missandei cunnilingus in Game of Thrones – but that’s literally because he doesn’t have a dick. How often do you see that on TV? I think there may have been a Misfits episode where Simon does it to Alisha, but it doesn’t happen that often.

It also goes back to the social construct of ‘losing your virginity’. The fact that in straight terms it’s basically when a dick goes inside you. But what about gold star lesbians? Or gay men who don’t do penetration? Do they spend their whole lives as ‘virgins’?! Do they think of themselves as virgins?! I’m guessing not. Sometimes you gotta make your own definitions. 

Even the language is all wrong. Losing your virginity. Like it’s something to be held onto. Not an experience to be gained.

Maybe I don’t count everything, because once I’d, in theory, gone the furthest, I wasn’t interested in counting anything less than that. I did used to count how many people I’d kissed and all their names, but once I ‘lost my virginity’ that took over. Or maybe I don’t count all the experiences more than kissing, because then my number would probably to be closer to 100.

But why do we count anyway? Why does it matter what my number is? I guess numbers are a quick way to find out how sexually experienced someone is, but it doesn’t work if you’re not including all the information.

It’s probably just another way to shame women for being too ‘frigid’ or too ‘promiscuous’, and a way to shame men for being too ‘frigid’. (Since they don’t usually get shamed for promiscuity). Plus you could have had sex with lots of people, but only once, or sex with not as many people, but lots of times.

It’s really difficult to retrain yourself out of the heteronormative way of thinking, but I’m going to give it a go. From now on, I’m going to count all the experiences I have, whether there ends up being a D in my V or not. I will try and stop using the term ‘losing virginity’, and I’m going to edit my list to include all my previous sexual experiences (that I can remember) from both men and women. Just not those ones that lasted less than 30 seconds. Fuck. That.