Generic new year new diet bullshit blog post

I never agreed with diets. I thought they were unnecessary, ridiculous, and shallow. I love Kate Moss, but when she said ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’, I thought ‘oh fuck off’ and reached for the pizza. But then I was 7 and a half stone for most of my late teens and early 20s. I didn’t need to diet. At first it was just because I had a fast metabolism. I could eat literally whatever I wanted and nothing happened. But then, just like Kate Moss, I had a little help from some class A friends. I also used to pole dance a lot more, so that kept me fit too. Plus I had youth on my side.

From around my mid-twenties, I started slowly putting on weight. I went to 8 and a half stone first, which in BMI terms is apparently the perfect weight for my height. Then a few years later it went up to 9 and a half stone, then the other day I weighed myself, and it said I was 10 stone. Now in some ways I love being a bit curvier. For a start I never thought I’d see the day when someone would ask me my bra size and I would proudly answer ‘34D’. I always liked the shape of my boobs, even when they were a B cup, but now I fucking love them. But I’m going to be honest now – I do want to lose around a stone.

There’s a lot on social media currently about body positivity, and I feel like it’s unfashionable now to say that you want to go on a diet. The thing is, I do still love my body, I just know that I loved it a bit better when I was around 8 and a half – 9 stone. I know I’ll never be a size 8 again, and I’m okay with that – I don’t really want to be. I did look too thin when I was 7 and a half stone, and heroin chic isn’t really in anymore. (Sorry Kate).  And I do want to keep most of the boobs. But I also want to be able to fit back into my old size 10 dresses and shorts, and be able to look down see my pussy again without having to suck my tummy in.

I also feel like if I carry on like this, then I’ll just keep putting on weight every few years, so I need to nip it in the bud now, before it becomes even harder to control. And I know it’s a cliché, but it’s not just about aesthetics –  I also want to just get fit and healthy too. I want to be able to hang upside down backwards on a pole again without feeling like I’m going to fall down and die at any second.

My problem is self control. I love food. It’s my favourite thing in the whole world. I love it more than wine, and comedy, and kinky sex, and Buffy the fucking Vampire Slayer. It makes me so excited. And I the hate the idea of having to deny myself food that I want. I like the gratuitous decadence of being greedy with food. I find eating a little bit sexy sometimes. I will never ever not eat in front of a date for fear of what they will think of me. God I feel hungry just typing this. I disagree with diets and restriction in principle. Live the life you want! But I have to acknowledge that sometimes living the life you want means making some lifestyle changes.

So this month I’m trying not to eat chocolate, cakes, and biscuits at all to curb the addiction to sugar, and then I can add it back but to a much lower extent. And I’m also trying to eat fewer bad carbs like white bread and white pasta, as your body processes them as sugar too. I want to go from what I eat being 60% carbs to eventually around 20%. I also want to start doing yoga every day, and more regular dance classes, running, hula hooping, and bike riding this year. In terms of drinking, I’m going to attempt to replace wine with vodka, lime, and soda at least half the time. But I won’t ever be doing dry January, or Veganuary for that matter. Mainly because I don’t wish to take all the joy completely out of my life.

My idea is not to think of it in a restrictive way – so rather than ‘oh crap I can’t have chocolate or ciabatta’. I’m trying to think of it more like  – awesome I can eat lots of cheese, and avocados, and steak. And eggs. I made some banging poached eggs the other day. And I’m not going to be a total annoying holier than thou dickhead about it. I’ll give myself cheat days. Of course. Just not too many. My problem has been that I’ve been seeing every day as a cheat day since 2003. (Prior to 2003 I lived at home and my mother was quite strict about what I could and couldn’t eat. Thus resulting in me eating everything in sight once I went to Uni and not ever learning the concept of moderation. Thanks mum).

By the way, I know some people talk about their body because they are either consciously or subconsciously fishing for compliments. I’m not writing this article because I want lots of people to write back and say ‘no you’re gorgeous, you don’t need to lose any weight’! (Although if you’d like to do that, don’t let me stop you).

I’m writing it because I think it’s okay to say that there’s something you are unhappy with about yourself and you want to change it.  And it’s not anti feminist, or body shaming to talk about it. Of course it’s also totally fine if you’re happy and don’t want to change anything! Or if you find diets problematic due to previous health issues with food. Or if you’re going on a diet and you’re doing it in a different way. I’m just trying what I think will work for me, and want to put this out there as a way of giving my perspective on it, and something to look back on at the end of the year and see if I reached my goal. Now where’s that fucking halloumi? 

 

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