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A Eulogy for Little One
Little One died peacefully last night at home, the day before she was due for euthanasia. She was 17 years old and had kidney failure (and high blood pressure). Little One, so named as she was always a particualy small cat, was born on the 5th of July 2006, and grew up in Hampstead. She…
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Why can’t strip clubs re-open?
As coronavirus swept over the UK & the rest of the world, many businesses including bars, pubs, theatres and clubs – including strip clubs – were forced to close. A few months’ later and pubs and bars have been allowed to re-open, but strip clubs remain shut with no clear indication of when strippers will…
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Ode to the penis
I need to peeCystitis has reared its ugly head againThis is our punishment For heterosexual sex My vibrator never gives me a UTIOr thrushOr makes me panic that I’m pregnant Dicks are the devilWith balls as their delicate hornsCreating fire in our vaginas And our minds The flaccid dick seems so innocentVulnerable – soft and sensitive Until the…
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10 Fun Things To Learn How To Do
One of the main problems I have in life is that I like too many things. I want to get better at German, while learning to play the piano, going to aerial hoop classes, and roller-skating backwards. I find it hard to focus, which means I try everything, and never really get good at anything.…
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My First Orgasm
It was the spring of 2008, I was on the phone to my boyfriend at the time, we were having phone sex, and I was using my bullet vibrator. He was talking dirty to me about all the kinky things he was going to do to me, and suddenly all this liquid came out of…
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What’s it like to be figged?
I found out what figging was circa 2007, and became curious about wanting to try it. Figging is the technical term for putting a piece of ginger inside someone’s arsehole.
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Generic new year new diet bullshit blog post
I never agreed with diets. I thought they were unnecessary, ridiculous, and shallow. I love Kate Moss, but when she said ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’, I thought ‘oh fuck off’ and reached for the pizza. But then I was 7 and a half stone for most of my late teens and early…
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Goodbye Monogamy Hello Polyamory
When I was younger, I just assumed that all romantic relationships were monogamous, and that as soon as you had the boyfriend / girlfriend conversation you would only be with that person. Because that’s the reality that society, TV, and the film industry sells to you. I did have a couple of relationships in my…
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Fucking, foreplay, and heteronormativity
The other day I wrote something about having sex with a 20 year old (guy), with the caveat that I had done it before, but only with two other people in my lifetime. A woman I slept with a few times at University commented ‘weren’t we 19 when we met?’ And it drew attention to…
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Hit the Road, Jack
I went back on OkCupid because in no particular order: I don’t learn my lessons. 2. Sex. I started talking to a guy called Jack. We texted quite a lot before meeting, bonding over our mutual love of Peep Show, Venn diagrams, and roller-coasters
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Carmen Ali aka April Fiasco 