So after my recent revelations about casual sex, I decided to approach my dating life with a view to it turning into something more meaningful. Okay if you’re really going to make me say it.
I’m looking for a boyfriend.
This means when I’m seeing someone, I will be waiting for a while before I sleep with them.
Let me explain.
I don’t think that it should matter whether you fuck a guy within 5 minutes of meeting him or waiting 3 months to do it, it shouldn’t make a difference to whether they want to go out with you or not. But it does. Not always, but it does.
When Tory 1 said that we should go out for dinner first before we had sex so we were more invested, he did have a point.
I still don’t understand why you would say that to someone and then turn around and say you thought it was casual.
But anyway, I think that it came from a place of truth.
Which is that when men are not invested in you, they will fuck you maybe once, or twice or even several times, then often decide they don’t want to see you anymore.
I’ve always been one of those people that says you should get it out of the way within the first few dates, because what if you’re not sexually compatible? What if he has a small dick?* What if he has a really weird dick? What if there’s no dick?**
But how many times have you had sex with someone you really like and/or you’re really attracted to, and it’s been really bad, or there’s been something really wrong with them?
In my experience, you can usually tell by making out with someone and/or talking about sex if the sex is going to be good or not. And if the sex is so bad that you can’t sustain a relationship with them, then you will just have to break up. Que sera sera.
Why not find out first if you would want to be in a relationship with each other based on spending time together? When you’ve established that, then you can have sex.
One of my friends recommended I read one of those cheesy dating books called ‘Become your own Matchmaker’ by Patti Stanger, which has steps for attracting a mate. It was a bit conventional for me, and as is usually the case with these books, the end goal is marriage, which is not something I want, but I did learn some really good tips such as the ‘non-negotiables’. This means you make a list of 5 qualities you absolutely need to have in a future partner, so you don’t waste time on people you are really incompatible with. I think this is fantastic idea, and I wish I had done this years’ ago.
Anyway, she also advocates waiting to sleep with a guy, but she goes even further to say you should tell them:
‘I’m really attracted to you, but I’m not the type of girl who sleeps around. I need to be in an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship before I can have sex.’
Of course I could never say this with a straight face. Especially since most guys I meet want to Google me when they find out I do stand-up, and that means they come across this blog. However, I do think I could say to someone that I’m not ready to have sex with them until I’ve got to know them a bit better.
This is also a little different for me, as ideally I’m looking for more monogamish than monogamous. For me that would translate as most of the time you are committed to that person, but it’s not the end of the world if something happens with someone else on the odd occasion – use a condom and let’s move on. I would like to talk about my reasons for this in more detail, but I think that will have to be a whole other blog entry. So in the meantime…
I can imagine some of you may still be skeptical.
But think about when you were at school/college/maybe even uni…a lot of time you would start ‘dating’ someone, or call them boyfriend or girlfriend without even having had sex with them. Often because neither of you had had sex yet. But that person might be the first person you end up sleeping with months or years down the line. It was all done on attraction and personality. There was no worrying what if he/she’s not good in bed? So why don’t we do that now?
Honestly, I’m just a bit fed up of giving my pussy away and then being hurt afterwards. And yes it shouldn’t feel like ‘giving it away’, but from now on my puss is certainly going to be more picky.
This might be difficult for me, as I can be quite a sexual person, especially when I meet someone I am really into. But on the flip side, I can also often be way more into getting to know someone, and doing activities together, than the actual sex. Anyone who has heard my chess joke knows this. So I think I’ll be fine. Having said that, if you beat me at chess, that is like foreplay to me, so it might be better to stay away from that at the beginning.
But yeah, this is an experiment, and it might not work – I may still end up getting hurt, and writing all about it on my blog, but there’s no harm in trying it out.
To be continued…
*Notes on a small dick
Guys, I know it’s not your fault if you happen to have a small one, but sadly there’s not much I can do about that. And logistically I do prefer to have one that is at least average sized.
I know that by not fucking until it’s more like we’re in a relationship, I do run the risk of a Samantha/James situation from Sex and the City, but honestly, in all my years of dick handling, there’s only been one that I didn’t think I could be in a relationship with (it was a one off thing anyway).
I started sucking it when it was flaccid and around 3 inches long. I kept expecting it to grow, and it got harder, but not bigger. We were in the toilets of a club, and he said ‘or you could just bend over’ and I said ‘nah, I’m alright, thanks’, then he came in my mouth soon after.
Also in terms of dating, you can feel a guy’s dick when you’re making out with them, which I often do, to check size and shape in advance.
**Notes on no dick
I know some men don’t actually have dicks for various reasons, and again my preference is a man with a dick, as I enjoy having penetrative sex sometimes, so that would have to be a ‘cross that bridge’ situation.
In the same way that women shouldn’t be shamed for their genitals, I don’t think men should be shamed either. I do agree with the Guys We Fucked mentality of not criticising dick size, but it I do think it’s okay to say what you would prefer.
Here endeth the dick chat.