It was the spring of 2008, I was on the phone to my boyfriend at the time, we were having phone sex, and I was using my bullet vibrator. He was talking dirty to me about all the kinky things he was going to do to me, and suddenly all this liquid came out of me. It was intense and unexpected. And that was my first orgasm.
Or so I thought.
As a teenager, I felt completely disconnected from my genitals. I never accidentally felt anything good down there, I never felt the urge to do anything. I only started masturbating because I’d heard it was something people did. And even then all I did was put my finger inside for a few minutes, and wonder what all the fuss was about. My friend did buy me a vibrator for my 17th birthday, however it was one of those basic bitch ones. Hard, plastic, and weak.
When I had sexual experiences, I never really got wet, or felt anything close to what know arousal is now. An ex once told me I had a ‘cold uninviting vagina’, which is not exactly great feedback. I might even be mentally turned on, but it wouldn’t transpose physically. Having my clit touched, or having penetrative sex mostly didn’t feel that good, and I couldn’t imagine it resulting in an orgasm. Oral sex either felt too ticklish, or so lame that I could fall asleep during.
But I was obsessed with sex. Or at least the idea of sex. I have a dirty sense of humour, and have always been curious about sex. Perhaps because I was always looking for something I felt like I was missing out on. I’ve now come to realise it’s mostly not actual sex that I enjoy. (I much prefer kink, but for once, this is not a kinky sex blog post).
So for the next 10 years I just thought I was a prolific squirter, and that when that happened I was having an orgasm, but it turns out this whole time I was just pissing myself. (It also turns out I might be into that – but that’s more of a separate thing).
I did always wonder in the back of my mind whether I was actually orgasming or not. I obviously knew that it can take a while for women to cum, but I assumed that I was cumming so quickly because those little bullet vibrators are quite powerful. Of course the men that I ‘came’ in front of didn’t notice that I wasn’t actually orgasming. But to be fair to them, quite a few women didn’t either.
As an advocate of not faking orgasms, and someone who has in the past proclaimed never to have faked an orgasm, it’s kind of funny that all this time I was faking them, but I was also faking them to myself. So I’ll take this opportunity to change that proclamation to ‘I’ve never knowingly faked one.’
‘Squirting’ does feel good in a way. It’s a release. I had some times where it felt so intense my legs would shake. But it’s not an orgasm.
So when and how did I actually have my first orgasm? It was April 2018, and I was particularly turned on. I was thinking about the guy from previous much loved figging post, (people loved the post; I didn’t love him), and suddenly something different happened. I remember feeling pleasure in a way I had never felt before. I finally had the tingling, and contractions. It still didn’t really click initially that it was my actual first orgasm. I just thought it was a better orgasm than usual.
But something had changed. I suddenly felt the desire to masturbate more frequently. Sometimes it would take ages, 40 minutes – 1 hour to make myself cum. But as I’ve practiced, I can do it in less time now. I still find it difficult to do in front of someone else, as it can be distracting, and I need to be in a very specific position on my back. I did manage it once a few months’ ago, while someone else was there, but am trying to practice so it can be something I can enjoy regularly with a sexual partner.
Squirting vs Female Ejaculation
When I first started orgasming, I would still squirt sometimes before or during orgasm, but as I’ve done it more and more, and I know that’s not what I am aiming for now, I can orgasm without squirting at all. But I do ejaculate, which involves a liquid more similar in consistency to male cum, kind of sticky and viscous. There’s much less of it, but it can still be enough to make a bit of a sexy mess.
There’s been a lot of discussion about squirting, and there seems to be some confusion. I’ve read so many articles, and heard women say anecdotally that a large volume of liquid comes out, but they insist it is not pee, however this article says that “Women who squirt urine only during orgasm usually don’t identify it as urine because it is far more dilute and doesn’t smell or look like urine even though it comes out of the bladder”.
Annoyingly, the article doesn’t offer any explanation as to why it is more dilute – perhaps it is because the muscles have been stimulated in a different way? But based on my own past experience, I agree that it is usually a bit less urine-y* than normal urine.
*real scientific term though
And so this brings me to the famous French study about 5 years’ ago where 7 women were studied and it was found that all of them were squirting urine. 2 of the 5 were also releasing fluid recognised as prostate-specific antigen, i.e. female ejaculate.
I didn’t pay to read the study in full, so I’ve only read the summary and articles about it like this one. In none of the summarising articles does it say where exactly they were collecting from – whether it was just general fluid from the genital area, or whether there were instruments targeted to collect from the urethra and the vagina. I certainly don’t buy this crap from Medical News Today, about ejaculate fluid flowing back into the bladder.
Regardless, the study does prove at least for these women, and therefore potentially for other women, that even if the liquid doesn’t appear to be urine, it is. This piece also explains the prevalence of incontinence during sexual activity.
The scientific evidence does tend to suggest that squirting is coital incontinence, and it makes sense. I’ve been plagued by urinary tract infections since I started having penetrative sex, and subsequent frequent urge to urinate generally. I heard somewhere recently that even just having a UTI once can damage your bladder / urethra / whole system down there. And that explains why it was so easy to accidentally pee when my vibrator was stimulating my clit, since everything is so close together on a woman’s anatomy.
I’m now thinking about all the articles I’ve read saying that when stimulating your g-spot, you will feel like you need to pee, but you just need to push past that. I now think that is because your bladder is being stimulated as well. And if you push past it, you will probably pee.
I’m surprised that Love Honey don’t seem to know the difference, and Sh! Womenstore – a female focused sex shop that I love, are teaching a workshop on it. I might go along just to ask questions about why it’s okay to teach women not to be able to control their bladders.
Perhaps squirting is some big conspiracy by Tena lady to ensure we are all incontinent by the age of 50, and therefore need to keep buying their products.
I used to proudly tell people that I was a ‘squirter’ but now I can proudly say that I’m an ex-squirter, and I’m now leading the crusade of the anti-squirting movement. It’s not some badge of honour to be able to say that you made a woman squirt – it just means you managed to stimulate her bladder / urethra in some way, and she couldn’t control it.
I know some women will read this article and think I’m orgasmsplaining, but I am here to tell you once and for all that squirting and female ejaculation are different things. And I don’t want to orgasm shame anyone, if you truly enjoy squirting, and you want to keep doing it, go for it. But know that it is pee, could be a sign that you have some incontinence, and that you can train your muscles not to do it.
If you don’t believe me, try orgasming without it happening by holding off when you get the urge to squirt, clenching your pelvic floor muscles, then re-stimulating yourself. You may even find it useful to take a pee break halfway through sexual activity. You will still probably orgasm, but without completely soaking the sheets.
Squirting – involuntary urination before or during or after orgasm – clear / sometimes slightly yellow liquid from the urethra
Female Ejaculation – viscous, sticky, sort of milky, sort of clear liquid from the skene’s gland, and comes out of the vagina at the point of orgasm
Squirting and Porn
Men LOVE watching women ‘squirt’ in porn. There are so many videos of it. But the long list of acts that supposedly got banned from any paid porn sites in Britain a few years ago, includes the phrasing ‘female ejaculation’, because it’s too difficult to tell whether or not it is pee (urolagnia is also banned), and of course the people who make these laws don’t know the difference between squirting and actual female ejaculation. And don’t know that by phrasing it in that way, they are also technically banning seeing any sort of fluid come out of a woman’s vagina at the point of orgasm. Which basically means banning the female orgasm for some women. As if we needed more reasons to not see real female orgasms in porn. In light of this, I am happy to give sex education lessons to the BBFC, so if anyone knows people who work there, please feel free to link them to this blog.
A note on the G-spot
What is the g-spot? Does it even exist? When will people stop asking stupid questions about it?
It seems obvious to me that the g-spot is just an extension of the clitoris (but it’s also close to the bladder, so that may be stimulated along the way, as discussed earlier). Everyone’s bodies are slightly different – some people may be able to orgasm from inside / vaginal stimulation, and some may not. Most studies seem to cite that only 25% of women can orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone.
Either way, the clitoris is always inherently involved, whether you are having a g-spot orgasm, a nipplegasm, or even a magic orgasm with your mind that doesn’t involve any touching. It’s because all our nerves are linked together. All roads lead to the clitoris. There just might be more particular roads to inside your vagina, hence having a sensitive g-spot.
I think it’s interesting that there is never this much confusion or mystery when it comes to men’s bodies. If men were involuntarily releasing pee before or at the point of orgasm, there’s no way men’s magazines would be giving them tips on how to keep doing it. (Luckily for you guys, unless you have had your prostate removed, it’s basically physically impossible for your muscles to make that happen).
In the same vein, we know that men have a g-spot in their anus in the form of the prostate gland. Given how many men want to give anal sex but not receive it, it’s a damn shame women don’t have basically a mini clit in our arseholes too. (Yes a small amount of women can have analgasms, because all roads lead to the clitoris, but this is not the general consensus).
If you are reading this, and you have never had an orgasm, and you want to have one, here is what you should do:
- Get a bullet vibrator.
- Put aside a lot of time alone. Be patient and spend longer than you think you need to.
- Fantasise or watch something that truly turns you on. I personally find porn a massive turn off, so don’t worry if you can’t find any that you like, that’s what your imagination is for. Or try reading erotica.
- Vary pressure and speed until you find what works for you.
- Use your kegel muscles.
- If this doesn’t work, invest in the womanizer.
I wish I’d known about the womanizer ages ago. It’s not strictly a vibrator – it provides a sucking and pulsating motion, and is supposed to simulate the best oral sex ever. I have the womanizer pro. Yes it’s £139, but it is incredible. People pay more for less satisfying sexual experiences. It can take a bit of practice getting the right angle and getting in position, and since you put it directly onto your clit, it can be very intense, and actually quite painful. This article about it and similar toys is a fun read, if only for the title. Unsurprisingly I quite like the pain, but also I think your clit does adjust to it after a while. Often the build up feels absolutely amazing in a way that it just doesn’t with the bullet vibe. Sometimes I like to use the bullet for a bit then switch to the womanizer at the end.
If the womanizer works for you, you will feel like Britney in the music video for womanizer, as illustrated at the top of the page, and you can thank me for not having to see another article about squirting where some twat has used gushing water as the accompanying image. I fucking love fountains, but come on, it’s getting ridiculous now.
If you’re worried that orgasming with a vibrator / pulsating click sucking toy meaning you won’t be able to orgasm naturally, I would say, so what if you have to use a toy. If nothing else is working for you, and you are one of those women who needs very intense stimulation, as I do, there is no reason to deny yourself. Perhaps you will learn later to do it manually, perhaps you will not. But either way at least you will now be having orgasms, so there is really nothing to lose.
If you’re not sure if you have orgasmed or not, I have to say now that you know. It is unlike any other feeling, and you do not want it to end.
It’s kind of embarrassing as someone who likes to think of themself as a sexpert to have to admit that you didn’t even know what an orgasm was. But as a self proclaimed ‘sexpert’ that also means I’ve spent the last few months researching the fuck out of it, and experimenting with my own body. Now I just need to get used to orgasming in front of other people.
So to everyone I had sex with 2008 to mid 2018, I’m sorry for peeing on / near you / in front of you / in your bed. Unless you’re also into that. In which case, you’re welcome.